Spoof Space


Look in the right place for happiness

steele coddingtonMaybe it’s a sign of the times, but more articles and quizzes that appear in magazines and Sunday supplements seem to focus on the same question, “How happy are you?” or “Test your happiness quotient with this quiz.”  The most recent one I read was on such superficial aspects of such a meaningful subject that it caused my own unhappiness quotient to rise 13.5 percent and qualified me for a choice between an anxiety pill from the local government clinic or another free federal grant to help me pay the mortgage on the mansion I own and can’t afford if I promise to vote for hope and change in the next election.

“Anxiety” is now just one step above the “worry” category on the American depression scale.  For that reason it is covered for treatment under ACORNcare, Obamacare, Union compensation, poverty entitlement, drivers license testing and ED diagnosis.  The ED hasn’t been spelled out but could cover Emergency Doctor, Ecological Disaster, Environmental Depression or even the ED fix shown on TV with two people in a bathtub.

The most clueless question in a recent typically useless questionnaire on Happiness was:  “If you have a little free time, which activity will bring you the most pleasure?”  The multiple choice answers allowed were: a) Working in the yard?  b) Tackling home improvements?  c) Catching up on DVRs or TV?  d) Hitting the mall?  All of course wrongly portraying more clueless fixations on trivialities.  The evaluators of the quiz – if the truth were known – should have asked the one question that is the secret key to happiness in America that is really on every ones’ mind, and it is simply “hitting the sack.”  That is, “How can I find time to take a nap?”  Why?  The country is sleep deprived, worrying and stressed continuously about no private sector jobs, mandated Obamacare, increasing government officialdom, government worker unions abusing the public trust, increasing taxes to fund failed government programs and erosion of individual freedom.

Naps used to be simple pleasures, the only questions being “What makes you happiest in the sack? a) Just taking a damned nap? b) Taking a nap with your teddy bear? c) Taking a nap with your next door neighbor? d) Taking a nap with your dog?”

Happiness indeed?  It’s become a complex truism that in today’s society neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics move into them.  Maybe some one like Aristotle said that.  But then words like neurotic and psychotic hadn’t been invented.  They just used words back then like they do in California to describe the Democrats in the state legislature – “over-priced fruits and nuts.”

But I guess we don’t have to worry about unhappiness any more because Harry Reid says the Tea Party will either disappear or go away.  He’s right in one sense, because they’ve become one great block of people called the American public.  Now they identify themselves with a monumental acronym: PDTSAFFHACTUTFCOLAIFPIOC meaning: Patriots Dedicated To Saving America From False Hope And Change That Undermine The Fundamental Concepts of Liberty And Individual Freedom Preserved In Our Constitution.

Any individual who wants to see America aspire to what its founders envisioned understands that acronym.  “Individual freedom,” is sometimes simply expressed as “America the Beautiful.”  

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Trooper Comments

These are supposedly actual comments made by Troopers that were taken off their car videos. If not, they're a hoot anyway.

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

And the winner is....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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