Spoof Space


STEELEPersonality ... how to recognize a faker

Our knowledge about a person’s character and being is increasingly enhanced by revelations about their personalities. Recent personality studies conclude that how well we like, dislike or interact with another person is quite dependant on whether we can relate to that person’s personality factors. Personality is what distinguishes the beautiful or ugly you from all the other poop-heads out there.

Personality is “The visible aspect of one’s character as it impresses others,” or psychologically, “The sum total of the physical, mental, emotional and social characteristics of an individual.” In the effort to better understand others so we can deal with them, hire them, guide them, assess their fitness or tolerate them, psychologists now use extensive questionnaires, observations and tests to “read” a person’s personality. It’s important to know the difference between people who may be joyful souls and those who are “sticky wickets” – a cricket phrase the English use to describe a dork.

The tests utilize hundreds of personal questions that ultimately reach conclusions about the individual – extrovert, introvert, insecure, indecisive, spontaneous, deceptive, liar, lawyer, used car sales candidate, etc., etc. – to help fit people into the real person (personality) or the façade.

An historical example displayed recently on a TV series about the Civil War was Union General McCellan. His personality made him unfit for military command because he was indecisive and ineffectual with “a fascination for imaginary hallucinations” about the strength of a much smaller Southern opposition.

A parallel but opposite personality portrayal is currently being waged in fund raising by a recent announced U.S. Presidential candidate and former community organizer from Illinois. His public appearance as a magician who makes American problems disappear beneath a blanket of obfuscation, distortion and lies is just as damaging to the country as General McClellan’s. The personality slowly emerging is – slick lawyer, manipulating facts and opposing solutions to perpetuate emotional fears that are not true.

My grandmother has developed an infallible test of personality which she patented and calls “Fit the toilet to the tush,” – FTTTTT very easy to remember and brilliant. She invented the theory the last time she bought a new toilet at Home Depot. First she looks over the toilet’s specs, height, color, flush, etc., etc., has it placed on the floor and has the seat she likes affixed. Then she has the family with her gather round with their back to her, hoists her skirt just enough to drop her drawers and sits on the toilet. If everything fits, she knows she’s got a matching personality.

Her opinion of the magician’s personality is that it’s been flushed too often with “change you couldn’t believe in if you knew where it came from.”

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• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

• There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

• Life is sexually transmitted.

• Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

• Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

• All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

• Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?