Helpful health tips from Dr. Arbuckle


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SPOOF SPACEAs many healthy citizens know, after reading our valuable self-help information over the years, the medical tips we provide are exclusive features, obtained from origins we are unable to divulge or risk the possibility of retaliatory drone strikes. The government cannot authenticate the sources of our tips, which in itself earns our sources a rating substantially above most of the Obama Executive Orders that mandate unconstitutional political “pay-backs” to illegals, Unions, or other radicals he “owes.” Just because some of our sources include unlicensed doctors and disbarred lawyers formerly employed by certain public employee unions doesn’t disqualify the information. Endorsements of said doctors and lawyers are available on our private website listing P.O. boxes outside the country.

Several of our long term health tip readers have informed us that insurance companies are increasingly offering them discounts on their insurance, knowing they read our health info and are less likely to file claims. In fact, many companies have a line on their applications asking: “Do you read the health tips from Dr. Arbuckle?” A short explanation on who Dr. Arbuckle is, is needed here. He is my dog. I use his name as Health Tips Advisor because when I used my own name people kept coming up to me on the street asking for advice or showing me parts of their bodies. Examining them while they undressed in public was embarrassing and drew crowds. So, I use Arbuckle’s name as Advisor. He doesn’t mind seeing patients in public because his examination only involves sniffing their legs. I mention Arbuckle just in case you want to drop a note to my health column. Please address it: “Attention Dr. Arbuckle.”

Our health tip this week is for people who smoke cigarettes. Most would really like to stop two very detrimental consequences caused by their addiction. The first is how bad they smell, accompanied by derogatory references to them as “dirty smokers.” The second is the excessive cost of their dirty habit. Our health tip allows them to continue using nicotine but removes the smoky odor and the high cost. The tip: START CHEWING TOBACCO! “But then, I have to spit,” they complain, as though spitting is a flaw to our eliminate-the-smell health tip.
We hasten to point out that spitting has become cool in America. Baseball players spit every time they strike out. Football players spit on the sidelines so they don’t get called on a tobacco foul on the field which might cause the football to become slippery. And the newest spitters? Golfers! The gentlemen’s sport now accepts it on the fairways. (Only gross slobs do it on the greens.) Best of all, in the interest of serious gender equality, women’s organizations are encouraging women to start “chewing” so they have an opportunity to spit. This is also a major initiative of American women to eliminate the degrading enforced wearing of Burkas worldwide. You can’t spit wearing a Burka. So “chewing” is “in” for a lot of good reasons.

Now, the excessive cost of cigarettes. The biggest culprit is excise taxes. Arizona’s is $2 a pack, and Obama raised the Regime’s take from 39¢ to $1.01. Chewing tobacco is only 50¢ a pound for the Feds, and very minimal for the State. Ladies ask: ”How can I spit in my house?” Easy! Just get a big, brass, shiny, historic vase-shaped piece of art called a SPITTOON. We welcome former smokers to the world of good-smelling people!