OCTOBER 27, 2010
Let’s face it, trick-or-treating is just a mess. I have kids showing up at my door at any given time, wearing whatever, demanding candy creating all kinds of havoc in my normally sedate evening routine.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-trick-or-treating. I’m just saying it seems it could be a little more organized. I never know how much candy to buy or when trick-or-treating officially begins.
Therefore, I propose a few new rules to eliminate Halloween stress and bring order to an otherwise chaotic experience.
1] Trick-or-treating will be done on an RSVP basis only. Trick-or-treaters will be required to give written notice seven days in advance of the holiday. Tweeting and texting are not acceptable forms of written communication. E-mail is allowed but proper letter etiquette should be observed.
2] In the aforementioned written notice, trick-or-treaters shall apply for inclusion in the trick-or-treating custom by submitting a one-page, single-spaced essay on the importance of trick-or-treating safety.
3] Trick-or-treating shall be conducted from 6 to 7:30 p.m. All participants shall schedule appointments and be assigned specific times to trick-or-treat. Time slots shall be awarded randomly and no age consideration will be given. Bids for preferred time slots will be entertained.
4] Applicants will be notified in advance of the type of candy that is to be distributed. Candy will be designated by three categories:
A. Premium - Name-brand chocolate candy such as M&Ms, Snickers, and Almond Joy
B. Preferred - Name-brand non-chocolate candy such at Sweet-tarts, Nerds, and Skittles
C. Nasty - Non-brand peanut butter taffy pieces wrapped in black and orange wax paper
If applicant does not prefer the type of candy chosen for them, then they need not participate.
5] The amount of candy distributed to participants shall be in direct inverse order of participant’s age.
1-3 years old - 3 pieces of premium candy
4-5 years old - two pieces of premium candy and 1 piece of preferred candy
6-8 years old - 2 pieces of preferred candy
9-11 years old - 2 pieces of nasty candy
11 + years old - 0 pieces of candy (They should either be doing homework or at their part-time job.)
6] No duplicate costumes. I find it redundant and superfluous to have three Darth Vaders, five princess fairies, and nine Buzz Lightyears show up at my door on the same night. Therefore, all costumes shall be assigned on a first-come, first-served basis. Costumes shall be checked and monitored. Violators may expect a stern reprimand and no candy.
7] Any teenager showing up at my door wearing street clothes and a lame mask in an attempt to get free candy shall be pelted with nasty peanut butter taffy candy and ridiculed as they flee the premises. Those who consider retaliation in the form of vandalism to my property should be made aware of my close ties with the law enforcement community and may expect a lengthy stay in a Juvenile Detention Facility (although I will push hard to see they are tried as adults like the little criminals they are).
Too harsh, you say? You think I’m making a mountain out of a molehill? Well, I have it on good authority that undisciplined treat-or-treating is exactly how the communist party started. Let a few kids walk around demanding free candy and the next thing you know, you’ll have a bunch of people marching in lockstep in Red Square.
I’m just saying.
I know, adding rules always gets folks rattled. Of course, the reverse is true, too. Imagine a guy coming into a religious system, simplifying it, and removing the middlemen, like Jesus did. Do you think that might upset anyone? We always tend to think of Jesus as the ultimate nice guy, but very often he upsets the order of things.
And he still does. I’ve found that if you desire to follow Jesus, you’re going to have to get used to some people not liking it when you go against status quo. It’s part of the price of following Jesus.
But I’ve got to wrap this up for now, though, and get started circulating my new Halloween rules in the neighborhood. Man, nothing says “festivity and celebration” like a new set of rules, huh?