spoof spaceDo not bend over

Bookmark and Share

After reading a recent article by an MD on obsessive compulsive behavior (OCB) I think I can give you some good advice on your own health problems if, of course, you’re as compulsive as I am. Personally – obsessed with other people’s transmission of their germs, I no longer shake hands and avoid using their toilets or tooth brushes. Those are germy habits. Better yet, touch the knuckles of your hand to theirs as a substitute handshake. I’ve found a lot of dummies out there who are totally flummoxed when you extend a fist. Golfers get the message and touch knuckles. Others try to wrap their hand around my fist – unless I back away and say “I just washed a baby’s messy diapers.”

I was normal before my daughter began working in a hospital which adopted a very serious anti-infection program. One radical step, considering the deity status of doctors, was to erect little signs all over the hospital saying, “Ask your doctor if he washed his hands.” As a patient would you ask a doctor that, as he’s about to examine you? I could see a two foot long square needle headed my way, or successive digital rectal exams scheduled to put me in my place.

But my OCB is catching on. Most people no longer shake hands with me because I’ve informed them that people in third world countries don’t shake hands because they don’t have toilet paper. Hell, just give them a kiss on each cheek and keep your hands free to whip out your Glock in case you smelled explosives hidden under their burqua or one of those white sheets those guys wear to hide things like dirty underwear.

OCD is probably a universal disease, but I bet it has a lot more to do with superstition than habit or compulsion. For example, as a conservative I always put my right shoe on before my left one. It is very important to never step on a crack, let a black cat cross your path or walk under a ladder – especially if my wife is up on it.

Also, certain compulsions are just habits formed to protect you from injury, hurt or embarrassment. These days you’re not safe on sidewalks, in the streets or even in your home. The only place you have complete protection is under your armpit. Avoiding embarrassment is crucial to most of us. The other night my uncle Charlie had several people over for cocktails. When he brought a tray of drinks into the living room and bent over to place it on a low table, he accidentally cut the cheese very loudly. Women gasped in shock. Men quietly restrained their hysteria. Uncle Charlie without batting an eye said, “Hmmm, sounds better since I had it fixed,” and left the room. Many people who were in the room never bend over any more, surrendering to the pressure of compulsive behavior that was embarrassing to everyone but Uncle Charlie.

The report on OCD said that while not curable, it can be treated with counseling and medication. I hate going to a doctor to tell him why I can’t bend over anymore. And when he asks me why I can’t shake hands it seems kind of stupid to say, “Hmmm, sounds better since I had it fixed.” Well, hope I’ve helped you understand your obsessive compulsions. Wonder why I feel compelled to jump in a bathtub every time I take a Cialis.

GBA banner
Clever ideas worth knowing
Bookmark and Share

• Take your bananas apart when you get home from the store. If you leave them connected at the stem, they ripen faster.
• Store your opened chunks of cheese in aluminum foil. It will stay fresh much longer and not mold!
• Peppers with 3 bumps on the bottom are sweeter and better for eating. Peppers with 4 bumps on the bottom are firmer and better for cooking.
• Add a teaspoon of water when frying ground beef. It will help pull the grease away from the meat while cooking.
• To really make scrambled eggs or omelets rich add a couple of spoonfuls of sour cream, cream cheese, or heavy cream in and then beat them up.
• For a cool brownie treat, make brownies as directed. Melt Andes mints in double broiler and pour over warm brownies. Let set for a wonderful minty frosting.
• Add garlic immediately to a recipe if you want a light taste of garlic and at the end of the recipe if your want a stronger taste of garlic.
• Leftover snickers bars from Halloween make a delicious dessert. Simply chop them up with the food chopper. Peel, core and slice a few apples. Place them in a baking dish and sprinkle the chopped candy bars over the apples. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes!!! Serve alone or with vanilla ice cream. Yummm!
• Reheat Pizza. Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.
• Easy Deviled Eggs. Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up. 
• Expanding Frosting. When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving. 
• Reheating refrigerated bread. To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster. 
• Newspaper weeds away. Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil.  Wet newspapers, Put layers around the plants overlapping as you go cover with mulch and forget about weeds.  Weeds will get through some gardening plastic they will not get through wet newspapers. 
• Broken Glass. Use a wet cotton ball or Q-t ip t o pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily. 
• No More Mosquitoes. Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. Squirrel Away!   To keep squirrels from eating your plants, sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it. (Wonder if this works with rabbits?  Sure gonna give it a try)
• Flexible vacuum. To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings. 
• Reducing Static Cling. Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and ... Ta Da! ... Static is gone. 
• Measuring Cups. Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don't dry cup. Next, add your ingredient, such As peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out. 
• Foggy Windshield? Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth! 
• Re-opening envelopes. If you seal an envelope and then realize you forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two. Viola! It unseals easily. 
• Conditioner. Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair. 
• Goodbye Fruit Flies. To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass, fill it 1/2' with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dish washing liquid; mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever! 
• Get Rid of Ants. Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it 'home,' can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, especially if it rains, but it works and you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed! (This I will definitely try!!!) 
• INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS   The heating unit went out on my dryer! The gentleman that fixes things around the house for us told us that he wanted to show us something and he went over to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. (I always clean the lint from the filter after every load clothes.) He told us that he wanted to show us something; he took the filter over to the sink and ran hot water over it. The lint filter is made of a mesh material .. I'm sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks like. Well .... the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn't go through it at all!  You can't SEE the film, but it's there. This is also what causes dryer units to potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very longtime (and to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out and wash it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months.  He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long! How about that!?! Learn something new every day!     Note: I went to my dryer and tested my screen by running water on it. The water ran through a little bit but mostly collected a ll the water in the mesh screen. I washed it with warm soapy water and a nylon brush and I had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it .. the water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was talking about!

Although numerous sites feature Clever Ideas Worth Knowing posting appears to be the first: http://iandec.org/ideas/.

horoscope banner
Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

Bookmark and Share

ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
You have been doing serious soul searching lately and have made important decisions in your life. Now you’ve established a clearer direction and a straighter path.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Things at home and work have been going well for you Taurus, making you feel thankful for all of the abundance in your crazy world. Now is the time to give to others who have less.

You have exceptional tenacity, and lots of patience, an unusual combination that will pay off in the long run. You have a great deal of stability and integrity with clients. Stay true to yourself.

You feel refreshed this week and hopeful your life will improve. The tough economy will strengthen you in the long run. Gift yourself time for little things that make you happy.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
You begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Times being what they are, life will be more challenging than usual, but good will come of this.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
You have invested wisely and been a smart saver ensuring that you will survive the times ahead. Attend to projects at home and try to free up some time to enjoy the coming weekend.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Don’t let the politics drive you crazy! Kick back and read the book you put aside until you had time or try a new recipe you have been thinking about. Treat “you and yours.”

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
You have to learn to relax. You stress out more than is healthy. Your body needs to rest and be silent at times. Meditate to relieve stress until you are good at it.

You’ve had a lot on your mind and sometimes you feel like you’re not making sense. Prepare yourself for the time change for those in your circle. They need time to adjust.

You’ll be a little slow to get going this week, but you will perk up. It’s necessary to tighten your purse strings until these difficult times are behind us. Don’t forget to vote.

This may be a rough time for you; the job market is not getting any better. Try to set aside money for a rainy day. Seek out the easiest way to survive.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
You may be having some differences with your partner. Everything needs to be out in the open in order to solve the problem. Don’t forget to vote; it will be important for your future.