BY STEELE CODDINGTON | JULY 21, 2010
Write a novel ... become a bureaucrat
Anyone who confesses an urge to become, or is, a novelist, should be avoided by normal people. We’ve known for years that our nutty neighbor Alberto, has been writing a novel since he openly discusses its progress. Recently we’ve expressed some concern for the continued peaceful nature of our neighborhood as more details of the novel are revealed.
After all, it is common knowledge that many of Freud’s psychiatric patients diagnosed with nonviolent but criminal deviancies were creative writers who adopted the personalities of the shady characters in their novels.
We could see disturbing signs as Alberto’s novel developed, starting with the name of his fictional hero, Toady Fruitlips. The name itself demonstrated Alberto’s confrontational sense of irreverence for conformity. It opened a window that revealed him slowly becoming so possessed by the main character of his novel that he actually imagined that he was himself the living Toady Fruitlips. That was troubling, because Toady had an ingratiating characteristic that made people identify with him, and like Bernie Madoff, he knew how to invest money. His financial genius was specialization in convertible arbitrage and Gulf oil drillers. Making increasingly large bets and reaping wildly speculative profits, his strategy continued to pile up imaginary buckets of money. So much money in fact, that after taking up golf as a form of recreation, he bought a golf course.
Alberto, in developing Toady’s image, studied the stock market and investing with such astute analytical talent that he could see no reason why he couldn’t replicate Toady’s amazing success. And it’s a pleasure to announce that Alberto, as a consequence has become an incredibly wealthy guy using Toady’s strategies. He too recently bought a golf course near Cave Creek, and hired a golf pro who teaches a unique “IRS arbitrage” education course, using money lost on golf games as income tax deductions.
Meanwhile Toady, our fictional hero, displaying ever more creative talent has published two novels under his own name – “The Audacity of Despair” and “Dreams of My Indoctrination.” A review of both books in the Union Workers Daily News caught the President’s eye and his staff is considering Toady as a “person of interest.” Coincidentally, he is being investigated for irregularities and failure to pay income taxes. Quietly, it is rumored that his experience and expertise on energy investments, without losing his shirt or blowing his cap, make him a possible candidate for Oil Czar, advising the administration on oily things.
As a Czar-in-waiting, he cleverly convinced the environmental wacko segment of government that a moratorium on gulf oil drilling was an imperative guaranteed to drive all the dirty things to foreign countries like Brazil where it is rumored that he and other high ranking friends of the Regime may have major investments in Petrobras – whatever that is. Toady is indeed on his way to a successful Chicago-style political career.
Oh, and Alberto? One of his earlier books, “Bailing Out Your Buddies” was reviewed by the Harvard Law Review which prompted an investigation by the IRS and the PGA. He’s started another novel entitled “How to Enjoy Being Poor,” with an inscription that says “Damn you Toady.”
No one believes seniors … everyone thinks they are senile
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No.” Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
This week new possibilities arise for you. Keep your mind focused and try to move forward with positive force. Be careful working around the house.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Being stubborn is not the way to go this week, try to keep quiet on your real thoughts and go with the flow. Your significant other may make some demands on your time.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
You think you are always right about what you know, but you need to listen to other people’s ideas once in a while. Especially people you respect.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
Times are rough for you and the economy isn’t helping the process. You need to think of new ways to promote money and bring cash flow into your life.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
You are really tired of the same old, same old; you need some excitement in your life. Come on – you’re a happening Lion with pizzazz ... go for it!
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
That new job you have been looking for may be around the corner; don’t give up on it. Your partner may play a supportive role and help you.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
You need to feel wanted in life especially by people you love most. Try to do some new things to help reinforce this bond with the people you care about.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
It is time to step up to the plate, Scorpio; quit feeling that the world is not treating you well enough. Be less selfish and show more love to those you care for.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
You are really a lot more impatient with life lately than ever before. Your future is definitely not the best, but do things you really enjoy for fulfillment until happier times.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
It may be a good time to take classes at your local college on a subject you’ve been interested in and want to learn more about. Also, you may help a friend in need.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
You need to get over some pent up anger about things you cannot change. Your health is most important right now to your wellbeing.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
You may need help from family with some upcoming issues. Don’t worry about it too much, everyone needs help some time or another.