Tax and Dog Relief Day
by Steele Coddington| March 17, 2010
All you have to do to see how firmly imbedded animals are in our culture is to read the funny papers. A brief list: Get Fuzzy, good dog, mean cat; Rose is Rose, cuddly cat; Pearls Before Swine, crazy animals; MUTTS, clever dogs, cats, birds; Marmaduke, big dog; Garfield, nutty cat; Peanuts, Snoopy dog; Non Sequitar, Daughter’s friendly horse; BC, dinosaurs – all have one thing in common – they TALK!
So don’t avoid me on the street just because my dog Arbuckle and I have conversations. He is a Border Collie, so it’s not like I’m talking to my teddy bear. It’s true, however, that more people than you suspect talk to strange things – trees, tires (which they will even kick), toilets, etc. Most guys talk to cars and measure their back seats while women talk to their sewing machines and tell them jokes that keep them in stitches.
I mention this because recently Arbuckle conceived an idea that will allow me to avoid paying taxes like the other 50 percent of the mistreated victims in this land of opportunity and home of the formerly free and the brave. We were studying our calendar trying to count how many days we have left until my tax debt is due on April 15. Like the angry Tea Partiers we’ve become, the thought of the excessive taxes we pay and the idiot entitlements the “takers” spend them on nauseates me and made Arbuckle tear up a pillow. We don’t have any money left and there aren’t enough days left to plan a bank robbery before Involuntary Servitude Day – formerly known as Tax Deadline Day. I have no more wealth left to distribute. But we’ve got a plan.
We discovered, looking over our calendar, that America is in love with special events that can be celebrated as holidays. There are over 29 different days to recognize someone or something like – Ground Hog Day, Martin Luther King Day, Columbus Day, Take Your Kid to Work Day, Valentine’s Day and on and on insanely ad infinitum. Then there are seven or eight religious holidays, plus maternity leave, sick leave, vacation and weekends on which you don’t work. We estimate most people only work an average of 180 days a year and would go nuts with joy if we could give them another legitimate holiday. We found one!
Not one day of the year is recognized as DOG DAY. So Arbuckle and I have formed a non-profit corporation with headquarters in the Bahamas for one purpose – to celebrate the one day of the year you can stay home with your dog. We have designated it as BARK DAY! (Believe in Animal Relief and Kindness) The corporation will focus on securing grants and tax breaks from the greatest “Grantors” in the world – the U.S. Congress, to do one thing – promote and expand Dog Day. Our employees will be forced to join our union by imposing “mutt check” so we can use their mandatory contributions.
Our first National Dog Day will recognize two of the country’s most outstanding dogs, who will be sent to Washington, D.C. where they will leave appropriate deposits on the steps of Congress and on the white House lawn, as our symbolic tax contributions to the Emperor and his Court of Entitlement Crazed Czars. As a new labor union president I will anticipate several invitations to stay at the White House.
Random thoughts for the day
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers’ ad campaign that says, "Every kiss begins with Kay." I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
Impatience or hasty actions can lead to trouble in your life, so take it slow and think things through. Some money news may be positive for you soon.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Make decisions at and about your home. Good friends may be in order, maybe have a small supper with some of your most trusted friends.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
Make some entertainment plans, maybe theatre tickets. You are a bit tired of being home and feel like blowing off some steam; getting out will be good for you.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
Stay away from people too strong willed, or too independent, you need more stability now in your life. You may have some luck on the domestic scene.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Strong-willed personalities make your life more interesting and super charged. Family pressures come into your life, with all kinds of new drama.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
You are being too cautious with your thoughts and emotions lately; talk them out. Make some new business contacts, work on boosting your income.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Independence and originality are your strong points this week. Meet some new people and try to keep your positive mood for those around you.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
A new project, or opportunity may enter your life. Don’t give up on the job search; keep sending out those resumes. Your interactions with people are strong.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
You’re mentally sharp and creative this week, good time for you to learn new things. Keep up with good health habits; you need to stay strong.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
Your home-related affairs and financial situation keeps you busy and could turn some business into a profitable situation. Stay attentive to a loved one.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
Home is a good place to be for you to rest and regroup, much has been happening in your life. Your stubborn mood needs to be relinquished.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Good communication this week will help your domestic affairs. This can lead you into also helping a friend in need with your calm manner.