BY dR. DAVE HEPBURN | OCTOBER 10, 2012
Who wants a nervous tick?
Worst tick season in many years! Do NOT use a match to get a tick out. It just makes the tick nervous and who wants a ... nervous tick.
Past flu season was mildest on record. “That’s OK” reports a disappointed CDC. “We promise we’ll make up for it in tick bites.”
30% of concussions end up with permanent brain damage. When NFL players asked if they want to sue they replied “Which one is she?”
Study states serving super sized sodas show some seam-stretching stats so startling, symptoms send soda sippers shopping stomach surgery.
If it’s true that kids are twice as likely to be inactive as their parents, I've fathered a sloth.
“Compound in human breast milk may block HIV, mouse study finds.” Apparently this is great news for mice who tend to be breast fed by humans.
Headline: "Being obese makes job searching tougher." Tend to hear things like “Sorry sir, but that jockey position has just been filled.”
More doctors are ordering drugs using online electronic prescriptions but they're using illegible font to keep up the tradition...
Smokers are 3X more likely to quit if they eat plenty of fruits and vegetables. That’s just what smokers are inclined to do.... eat healthy.
“Severe Gum Disease, Impotence May Be Linked.” I suspect most men with trench mouth never get a chance to test that theory.
Weight loss gastric bypass using ingested magnets done in pigs. No incisions! Pigs upset about bypass stating “Hey, we wanna be pigs!”
Headline: "Delaying ADHD meds may hurt kids math scores." Note: ADHD affects 5-10% of all kids or almost 5.3/4 x 24 + 3 of us.
Re: Cancer. Marinating meats for 30 minutes in red wine vinegar makes BBQing safer.
Marinating chef in red wine makes it more dangerous.
The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...
Headline: Teen pregnancy rate in 2011 in the US lowest recorded level since 1976. In unrelated news: “Charlie Sheen has off year in 2011.”
The plastic chemical found in soothers has now been linked to obesity. Solution: leave the soother in permanently and cover with duct tape.
Wines with the highest content of tannins (the deepest reds) trigger migraines most. Strong Red wine becomes... wrong head whine.
Dermatologists are threatening job action in a pay dispute with the government...sounds like a rash decision
Headline: "Addiction to video games causing kids to skip after school physical activities." Great! Skipping burns 675 calories an hour.
It's predicted that 1/2 of all Americans will be obese by 2030 .. .my guess is that it will start with the bottom half.
Study: “Unsafe sex common when partner cheats.” No kidding. How safe is it being beaten over the head with a cast iron skillet.
Recent study: Junk food is more appealing when you are sleepy. In an unrelated story 37 million Walmart shoppers suffer from narcolepsy.
HEADLINE: "THERAPY OVER THE PHONE MAY HELP DEPRESSED PATIENTS STAY IN THERAPY." But when they get the 1-900 bill later they tend to relapse.
A drink that contains ingredients found in breast milk and herring may improve memory...that’s a combination I'd sooner forget.
Learn more and meet Dr. Dave or contact him at www.wisequacks.org.
