Spoof Space
BY STEELE CODDINGTON | FEBRUARY 29, 2012
Fundamental versus Whatever’s on your mind
Nut farmers are worried. They’ve never seen so many running around loose in the streets. Most of the idiots milling about in increasing numbers these days looking for a liberal TV camera should have a separate census category called “suspicious.” That would cover most of the pseudo-do-gooders who think every supposed privilege, fad or unaffordable personal wish is an inalienable right. “Rights” have become as common as “tights” – anything that keeps your butt happy and makes you feel warm. Self-important people interviewed on TV with less common sense than a dragon looking for a Chinese New Year need a little American History 101 refresher. There is a distinction between “fundamental” and “inconsequential,” as in selfish, confused or immoral predilections that simply afford pleasure or convenience. One way to delineate is to ask yourself, “What would I die for?” Does your choice rank with Patrick Henry’s “Give me liberty or give me death.”
I know there are times when I’ve said, “I’d die for a Starbucks this morning!” But assigning the word “right” to the habit of a morning fix or pill or pedicure or tattoo or something the government thinks you should be entitled to as a health care mandate should be placed in the semi-loony bin. And that might be the best place to look for the real rationale for a contraceptive as a fundamental right.
In the last issue of “Go Figure!” the official quarterly magazine published by the Society of Disturbed Psychoanalysts, an article points out that a “right” to free contraception is a hidden manifestation of an evolving psychosis in the American Psyche to have more free sex without consequences, blame or guilt by association. Proponents of that persuasion think that if contraception is not recognized as a fundamental right, the country could revert to a Puritan prison camp with restrictions that might even go so far as to restore the one man, one woman definition of marriage. The Society, also disturbingly, found that since men feel they have to measure up to the new sex urgency, the stress will render them incapable of responding. This has created a new entitlement mandate for the free issuance of Viagara, Cialis et al as a fundamental right.
Let’s see – would I die for that? Psychiatrists might, because now the need for their services will help them replace the number of Family Practitioners lost under Obamacare. They will be able to diagnose Patients after an ACORN bureaucrat screens the patient about how they voted in the last election. Their next question will confuse the 99 percent being asked: “Did you take a free birth control, tubal ligation or morning-after abortifacient this morning?”
Sample answer: “Good grief, I hope not, but I’d better ask my husband, he puts some crazy things on my oatmeal.” And the final question: “What President should be the next addition to Mt. Rushmore?” If you answer correctly, they assign you to a psychiatrist who rewards you with a piece of the type of candy used by dog owners at the Westminster Kennel Club Show as an inducement to do what you’re told.
Thankfully, my own psychiatrist is my dog Arbuckle who uses the same candy when he takes me for a walk, to induce me to pick up my own poo. There ought to be a right to leave it where you left it.
Where have you been?
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And more and more I think of the Here After. Several times a day, in fact, I enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
Sound familiar????? Join the Club!
Puzzle Solutions
For All Signs: Mercury, the ancient god of communications, is beginning its deceleration as it approaches its retrograde turning point on Mar. 12. This is a foreshadow period. Sensitive people often ask me about whether Mercury is retrograding during this two week period of preparation. You will begin to see communications becoming entangled and misunderstandings develop on ordinary matters of communications. Be particularly careful about decisions and contracts now. On this round of Mercury, keep your computer backed up every day. Electronic snafus are probable.