Spoof Space
BY STEELE CODDINGTON | FEBRUARY 1, 2012
Good horse sense ...
My famous old championship flatulating mare Queenie came up limping several days ago. She flinched when I ran my hand over the hock on her left rear leg. After gently massaging the area we – Queenie, the patient, and I – decided the condition was amenable to a self-help treatment. As most owners know, horses, like other animals, become members of the family and a slight limp is treated no differently than a minor limp developed by one of the kids or my aching back. According to the family real physician (my real great grandmother) the go-to treatment for most aches, pains and minor ills for all species except fish is a good horse liniment. Rub it on your head and it might even help fix depression. If it makes everything else feel better, why not your mental problems?Granny’s societal evaluations are based on common sense and experience. How can you debate one of her often repeated rhymes adopted from some long departed frontier bard in tribute to the merits of hard work: “A flatulating horse will never tire, a flatulating man is the man to hire.” Granny considered the four letter word for breaking wind as indelicate when describing either human or horse proclivities, so to ameliorate that particular vulgarity used “flatulate.” Anyhow, after about five days of liniment, Queenie’s hock was all better. So was my back. In fact, my brain feels better too.
Queenie is, of late, philosophical about flatulation. I’ve pointed out it’s a valuable gift and she and all horsedom should be proud of a habit that may soon benefit the country. There is environmental pressure in Washington urging Obama to begin diverting tax payer money to a new renewable energy program to recapture methane gas expelled from horses and cows. People connected to the solar energy debacles have admitted that even a methane energy program will smell better than a Solyndra.
The other example set by Queenie’s self-treatment is that it encourages people and animals who may become eligible for government health care that they can avoid dependency on incompetent government agencies bankrupting states and treasuries wherever they can be found. Why? Loss of control. Medicaid is a cooperative Federal and State program available to almost everyone with incomes up to 138 percent of the poverty level. But under Obamacare, states cannot restrict the eligibility criteria or they may lose Federal funding. States will assume increasing portions of the cost and by 2020 their share will be 10 percent. Increasing costs for the explosive growth of Medicaid is currently the largest expense of many state budgets – even exceeding education.
But the real worry is the inevitability of Federal programs’ expansion by easing the eligibility criteria. Often referred to as “incumbent reelection additions,” the newly eligible participants will soon include the likes of groups like ACORN, illegal immigrants, jailed terrorists and animals. Another “free” Federal program subject only to the undisclosed “Obama Equasion” which means “In one pocket, out the other.” Medicaid’s costs have three sources of reimbursement – money printed by the Federal Reserve, money borrowed from China or YOU if you are one of the only 48 percent who pay taxes.
Queenie has learned that self-treatment is usually preferable to bureaucratic healthcare. She was watching Obama’s Pinocchio inspired State of the Union address with Granny. After listening to nonsense, drivel and left-wing idiocy, Granny said Queenie’s response was a loud release of methane.
Why the cleaning lady quit
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’
They played a game they call Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’ Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’
I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise.’ Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband while you play with mine.’
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’
Puzzle Solutions
For All Signs: Energies this week focus with intensity on relationships. For those intimate relationships that are truly equal for all concerned, there will be increased sexual and creative energy. However, a relationship that is bearing the burden of unequal give and take is likely to call for a confrontation or shakeout. Relationships or projects begun in October, 2011, should be evaluated now. The assertive one may need to take a break in order to prevent emotional damage. In April this picture will look better.