Spoof Space
BY STEELE CODDINGTON | DECEMBER 7, 2011
Burma Shave sign lessons
Back when I was a kid traveling with my parents in the family LaSalle (re LaSalle, in keeping with our Help Kids Understand America policy, was a four wheeled vehicle of the genus automobile – like other similar vehicles, Nash, Studebaker, etc) we always looked forward to the famous Burma Shave signs located along the highway. These little signs, all in a row, each provided one line of a rhymed couplet warning of things that could go wrong if you didn’t use your head while driving.
Recently a friend sent me an e-mail with several samples of the old rhymes. Here are some messages from the Burma Shave collection, followed by contributions from highly intelligent people who think more men with ugly three day whiskers could use Burma Shave cream and benefit from the same sort of common sense simplicity expressed in the original signs:
Hardly a driver
Is now alive
Who passed on hills
At 75
Don’t lose your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it
Don’t stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car
No matter the price
No matter how new
The best safety device
In the car is you
Here are a few valuable take-offs of the Burma Shave signs created by my unemployed Uncle Freddie Fudpucker, who I introduce very carefully:
Obama’s “change”
A socialist plot
For creating jobs
Hasn’t done squat
Fannie and Freddie
Are drowning in debt
Begging for handouts
Screw-ups shouldn’t get
My dog Arbuckle speaks with the wisdom of all dogdom and conservatives with the following:
If feeling bad
Is part of your day
Hugging a dog
Will make it OK
Sure I’m a dog
And little of note
Except in Chicago
Where I’m registered to vote
Another relative, my aunt Tiddley Winks, snapped the following contributions off as grist for the mill of all grouchie sourpusses in the world:
Don’t go through life
Without a real grin
Happiness shines
When it comes from within
If people aren’t nice
Give them a smile
It beats a frown
By at least a half mile
And finally, good every day advice on the wisdom of substituting a smooch for a road rage gesture, and help for your soul:
When angered while driving
The finger resist
To keep on living
Blow them a kiss
If your life is a mess
You need to pray
Things’ll get better
If you do it today
Thanks to Burma Shave wherever you are.
Lots of men’s faces are cleaner by far.
We’re wiser than ever while driving our car.
Now let’s leave further poems asleep at the bar.
Paraprosdokians Part 2
~ Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in humorous situations.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR. '
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Words of Wisdom
"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Puzzle Solutions
For All Signs: This week on December 10 we will have a total Lunar Eclipse in the sign of Gemini at 9:36 a.m. A lunar eclipse is essentially a strongly punctuated full moon. All those activities normally related to the full moons, such as increased traffic and potential for accidents, general hyperactivity, etc. are doubly accented. Gemini is a sign of travel and communications of all kinds. Watch for sudden potholes in the roadways, static in phones, or things like interference with the Internet. Often full moons bring fulfillment or consummation of important affairs in life. If an activity has a flaw or a foundation problem, its crack becomes visible near the full moons. Read your sun sign and ascending sign below for the areas of heightened revelation in your life this month.