Spoof Space

BY STEELE CODDINGTON  | NOVEMBER 9, 2011

Share

Dogs to Moon the White House

For those not familiar with the famous talking dog, Arbuckle from Cave Creek, a brilliant Border Collie who is also my roommate, you should know he is fed up. He thinks things are getting out of paw with all the stupid protests that have no purpose other than to get anarchists together to play drums, smoke joints, fornicate and yell meaningless profanities.

Arbuckle’s bitch, or to use a less doggie oriented word to avoid confusion with girl friends, his complaint is the high cost of food. Particularly expensive are dog bones, largely caused by Obama’s sponsorship of idiotic environmentalists’ renewable energy campaign to convert America’s corn crop into ethanol to gas up our cars. Idiotic because first, it takes more energy to convert the damn stuff than it does to make gasoline out of oil. Number two, and more disturbing, it diverts corn traditionally used to feed humans and cattle, causing food shortages that drastically increase the cost of all groceries. “Dogs have a bone to pick,” Arbuckle jokes, trying to inject a little dog humor into the debate, “because dogs don’t use fuel. But we do eat food, bones, meat and combinations thereof.”

So Arbuckle is planning a bark-out protest that will assemble dogs from across the fruited plains, to call for discontinuation of subsidies to farmers growing corn for ethanol. But he will call for an increase in subsidies for scientific studies that develop ways to convert manure into energy for use in cars. The effect of his plan is beneficial in three ways. It creates an increase in the number of animals available for meat (and bone) consumption, lowering the cost of food. It provides a shovel-ready product to take the place of corn for ethanol and provides more corn food for the middle class Obama can’t find jobs for. And finally, it greatly reduces the cost of sour mash, the main ingredient in bourbon, making it cheaper to drown jobs and financial worries that go along with Hope and Change.

Arbuckle’s protest will go forward under the banner of the Canine Corn Consumption Corrections Corps. (CCCCC) and will assemble in front of the White House in Washington, DC where they will do a simultaneous dog-Moon for the President on the night of Nov. 16, a date that coincides with the first autumn full moon, and the celebration of the Illegal Immigrant Corn Pickin’ Convention and Caucus in Cornpone City, Iowa.

I asked Arbuckle, “Exactly how does a dog do a Moon?” He said he wasn’t sure but when they did it, no dog would wag his or her tail, or the President might think that they were saluting him. And he said, “A dog Moon is respectful because no one takes off any clothes. But a furry dog Moon is something to behold, when over 1,000 dogs bark at the full moon at the same time.

Some of the slogans are catchy – “Use corn for food, dude,” and “Fire the ethanol lobby, don’t fire hydrants.” Not as good as their national motto, “Dogs are man’s best friends,” but they’re new at protests and besides, for some dumb reason cats are in charge of protest public relations. Everyone knows they don’t give a damn about anything but naps.
So Arbuckle hopes you will join in The Moon on Nov. 16th and down a shot of sour-mash bourbon along with your pants.


GBA banner
Share


Clever anagrams

This is what you get when you rearrange the letters:

PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the Grand Finale:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER

Puzzle Solutions