BY DR. DAVE HEPBURN | OCTOBER 19, 2011
Leftovers
It can be hard to think about tossing your carcass on the scrap heap of life, but we’re all going to do it unless you’re Dick Clark or Clark Kent or Kent the local Vampire. But why destroy it all. Being an organ donor is, obviously, an altruistic, generous and worthwhile act that helps those who, through no fault of their own, need to borrow some of your leftovers. While more and more potential donors are showing their kind human nature by registering, there are some who are still reticent. It is, thus, important to clear up some myths so that you have no excuses not to exercise this final act of benevolence.
Myth: I'm too old to donate. Nobody would want my organs.
Fact: This is true ... if you’re 362. Otherwise there's no defined cutoff age for donating organs. Organs have been successfully transplanted from donors in their 70s and 80s. The decision to use your organs is based on strict medical criteria, not age.
Myth: Organ donation is against my religion.
Fact: Organ donation is consistent with the beliefs of most religions.
This includes Catholicism, Protestantism, Islam, most branches of Judaism, Southern Satanism and New York Rangerism, though nobody is keen in obtaining organs of that last church. Apparently there are a lot of spleens, but not a lot of hearts.
Myth: If I agree to donate my organs, the hospital staff won't work as hard to save my life.
Fact: That depends on if you’re the guy who ticketed my car last week or are responsible for a Nancy Grace wardrobe malfunction. Unless you fit that category doctors work as hard as we can to save your life, not someone else’s. Saving life, and golf, is what we are all about in the first place. In fact, we never even know or care if you are a donor or not when we stick duct tape on your aorta or whatever.
Hopefully the day will come when we just assume that everyone is a donor anyways.
Myth: Maybe I won't really be dead when they sign my death certificate.
Fact: And maybe you will. Or maybe you’re really a zombie or a senator. In fact, people who have agreed to organ donation are given more tests to determine that they're truly dead than are those who haven't agreed to organ donation. No doubt, it’s nice to know you’re really dead when you are, given that most people hate to wake up dead.
Myth: An open-casket funeral isn't an option for people who have donated organs or tissues.
Fact: Organ and tissue donation doesn't interfere with having an open-casket funeral. Because the donor is clothed and lying on his or her back in the casket, no one can see any difference. You can still leave your casket wide open so you can see who really did show up at your funeral. They will cry over your casket just as loudly as they would should you have not donated. They will cry louder if you donated organs to the transplant folks and the trust fund to Cats Unlimited.
Myth: They can use baboon or pig hearts
Fact: Nope. The baboons still want them and aren’t giving them up without a fight. Baby Fae included, there is nobody running about with baboon bits beating in their breast, though I know of several women who think men are more pig than most pigs. To you women I say “That is a juvenile statement and your mother wears army boots.”
Myth: I'm not in the best of health. Nobody would want my organs or tissues.
Fact: Wow, lots of Rangers fans, I see. The decision to use an organ is based on strict medical criteria and unless you’re a strict medical criteriaologist, don’t make that decision for some one else. Perhaps your liver is no good but your drinking arm is in fine shape. Not your call.
Myth: Rich and famous people go to the top of the list when they need a donor organ.
Fact: Which is why you should not consult with me prior to investing.
Invest as I do and you’re sure not to be at the top of anyone’s rich list. But I believe that I am still at the top of the list because I am famous ... to my dog ... Kent.
Learn more and meet Dr. Dave or contact him at www.wisequacks.org.
