Spoof Space

BY STEELE CODDINGTON  | AUGUST 31, 2011

Look in the right place for happiness

Maybe it’s a sign of the times, but more articles and quizzes that appear in magazines and Sunday supplements seem to focus on the same question, “How happy are you?” or “Test your happiness quotient with this quiz.”  The most recent one I read was on such superficial aspects of such a meaningful subject that it caused my own unhappiness quotient to rise 13.5 percent and qualified me for a choice between an anxiety pill from the local government clinic or another free federal grant to help me pay the mortgage on the mansion I own and can’t afford if I promise to vote for hope and change in the next election.

“Anxiety” is now just one step above the “worry” category on the American depression scale.  For that reason it is covered for treatment under ACORNcare, Obamacare, Union compensation, poverty entitlement, drivers license testing and ED diagnosis.  The ED hasn’t been spelled out but could cover Emergency Doctor, Ecological Disaster, Environmental Depression or even the ED fix shown on TV with two people in a bathtub.

The most clueless question in a recent typically useless questionnaire on Happiness was:  “If you have a little free time, which activity will bring you the most pleasure?”  The multiple choice answers allowed were: a) Working in the yard?  b) Tackling home improvements?  c) Catching up on DVRs or TV?  d) Hitting the mall?  All of course wrongly portraying more clueless fixations on trivialities.  The evaluators of the quiz – if the truth were known – should have asked the one question that is the secret key to happiness in America that is really on every ones’ mind, and it is simply “hitting the sack.”  That is, “How can I find time to take a nap?”  Why?  The country is sleep deprived, worrying and stressed continuously about no private sector jobs, mandated Obamacare, increasing government officialdom, government worker unions abusing the public trust, increasing taxes to fund failed government programs and erosion of individual freedom.

Naps used to be simple pleasures, the only questions being “What makes you happiest in the sack? a) Just taking a damned nap? b) Taking a nap with your teddy bear? c) Taking a nap with your next door neighbor? d) Taking a nap with your dog?”

Happiness indeed?  It’s become a complex truism that in today’s society neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics move into them.  Maybe some one like Aristotle said that.  But then words like neurotic and psychotic hadn’t been invented.  They just used words back then like they do in California to describe the Democrats in the state legislature – “over-priced fruits and nuts.”

But I guess we don’t have to worry about unhappiness any more because Harry Reid says the Tea Party will either disappear or go away.  He’s right in one sense, because they’ve become one great block of people called the American public.  Now they identify themselves with a monumental acronym: PDTSAFFHACTUTFCOLAIFPIOC meaning: Patriots Dedicated To Saving America From False Hope And Change That Undermine The Fundamental Concepts of Liberty And Individual Freedom Preserved In Our Constitution.

Any individual who wants to see America aspire to what its founders envisioned understands that acronym.  “Individual freedom,” is sometimes simply expressed as “America the Beautiful.”  

Trooper Comments

These are supposedly actual comments made by Troopers that were taken off their car videos. If not, they're a hoot anyway.

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

And the winner is....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Puzzle Solutions

         

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Aug. 31 – Sept. 6, 2011

For All Signs:  The cosmic cycles are impressively quiet this week. We will all have a chance to rest or to catch up on our projects. Now is a good time to rerun a previous column on the transit of Uranus in Aries. In March it moved into the powerful sign of Aries for a 7 year stint. When Uranus changes signs we each experience a restlessness in some area of life, a need to crack open the routine and grow. This is the only planet in the solar system that rolls on its belly, and it represents a part of ourselves that is unwilling to conform to the rules. At best it is highly creative. At worst it is destructive without purpose. The following paragraphs describe the areas of life that are most likely to be affected for each sign over the next 7 years. This is a keeper column because of its long lasting meaning.

Aries:  Those who have been living by the rules for the last decade are ready to break free of bondage.  You likely will become a much stronger advocate for yourself and your individual needs during this period.  Your personal tastes and appearance will begin to change dramatically.

Taurus:  Disclosure of old family secrets that alter your perception of self may occur during the next 7.5 years.  You develop much greater awareness of the unconscious and your interest in alternate forms of healing intensifies.  Episodes of intuition or psychic awareness are likely to increase.  Be aware of your tendency to sabotage yourself with needlessly eccentric behavior.

Gemini: During Uranus' transit of Aries (7 years) you are likely to be exposed to a new social life and broaden your sense of community and friendship.  You will attract unusual people into your life that will serve to expand your sense of humanitarianism.  Your overall goals and life choices will be shifting.

Cancer:  Uranus’ tour of Aries symbolizes important changes and probable expansion of your career arena.  Your boredom with old routines drives you to explore the untried.  You have a need to rebel, which may cause difficulty with authority figures. You'll be very attracted to the unusual in occupation--the more eccentric, the better.

Leo:  While Uranus moves through Aries, you will be experiencing a rapidly expanding world view.  This may come about through travel, higher education or attraction to people who hail from an altogether different environment.  You may feel the need to explore alternative religions and/or philosophies.

Virgo:  During the next 7 years of Uranus in Aries you'll be introduced to a much greater perspective on the world of finance.  You are also likely to grow through exposure to those who can teach you more deeply about yourself, psychologically, sexually and spiritually.  Issues around birth, death, and transformation play an important role.

Libra: Unique experiences will likely be brought to you through changes in situation made by your partner (business and/or personal).  Those with clientele will see major shifts in whom they attract.  This is a message to relax and follow the new currents.  Beware of those who seem bizarre.

Scorpio:  You will probably enter a long period of changes related to employment.  A new situation might present you with a job that brings something new and different every day.  Another arena of new interest is likely to develop in the area of personal health.  You may be attracted to alternative healing methods.

Sagittarius: Uranus' transit of Aries is likely to present unique or avant-garde opportunities to develop your personal creativity.  Those open to romance will attract unusual people who broaden your life, but don’t look for the security of commitment.  Changes in attitude concerning the bearing of children may be afoot.  An unexpected pregnancy may be part of the changing scenario.

Capricorn:  Your probability of making one or more moves of home and hearth is strong while Uranus is in Aries.  It might be easier to put your belongings in storage than to try to drag them around with you.  Property may begin to feel heavy, like tons of luggage.  Your perspective on your personal definition of “security” will change over the next 7.5 years.

Aquarius:  Uranus in Aries will free you to explore new and untried territory through travel or via high tech gadgetry.  Your habitual attitudes and your normal patterns of communication may alter considerably over the next 7-8 yrs.  Unusual situations develop involving your neighborhood, siblings, and roommates.  Changing circumstances related to siblings bring surprises.

Pisces:  Income fluctuates with Uranus in Aries or it begins to come from more than one source.  Those with this position are more willing to take financial risks in order to gain increased rewards – and sometimes it works!  It is not uncommon for this position to bring windfalls, but “easy come” may also be “easy go”.

Are you interested in a personal horoscope?  Vivian Carol may be reached at 704-366-3777 for private psychotherapy or astrology appointments (there is a charge). Blog:  http//www.horoscopesbyvivian.com

Are you interested in a personal horoscope?  Vivian Carol may be reached at 704-366-3777 for private psychotherapy or astrology appointments. (There is a fee.)www.horoscopesbyvivian.com