Dysfunctional computer relationships

By Charles Marshall | September 9, 2009

Charles MarshallI’m thinking about breaking up with my computer.

This is actually my second computer. My first computer was an older model with stone components made by the Flintstone Corporation. It worked fine unless I quit pedaling.

I’ve been seeing the computer I have now for about three years, and a more dysfunctional relationship one could not imagine. I can’t stand my computer, but I can’t live without it either.

The problem we’re having lately is that it works fine when I don’t need it, but whenever there is something important to be done, it decides to check out on me.

I know that this is very likely my computer’s cry for attention. It knows I’m losing interest in it, so it constantly makes pathetic attempts to get my attention. “Um, excuse me, Sweetie, I’ve got updates. Would you like to install them now?”

This, of course, is a diabolically manipulative question because if I say “yes,” then my computer is tied up for fifteen minutes while I wait for the updates to be installed. If I say “no,” then the computer crashes, blames me for not updating it when it asked me to, and we get into this huge fight. It’s a no-win situation.

On top of my twisted relationship with my computer lies the additional layer of dysfunctionality that my Internet Service Provider brings to the table. Unfortunately, I can’t mention their name for fear of legal action, so let’s just say the name of the company is – Monstrous Organization Repeatedly Obstructing Net Service, or MORONS for short. Having MORONS is like being in a relationship with someone who never does what you want them to unless you don’t need them to do it anymore.

My typical conversation with my MORONS program usually goes something like this:

Me: I’d like to check my e-mail.

MORONS: Yes, I’ll be with you in a moment, but right now I’m busy frustrating the other two trillion people dumb enough to use my services.

Me (five minutes later): I really, really would like to check my e-mail now.

MORONS: I have no doubt that you would, and I’m enjoying your aggravation immensely. Please, stand by.

Me (twenty minutes later): Never mind. I can’t wait the rest of my life just to check my e-mail. Abort the process.

MORONS: Oh, you wanted to check your e-mail? I had no idea. Let’s see now ... nope, you don’t have a thing. That’ll be $25.

I know what you’re thinking – if I have so much trouble with MORONS, why don’t I just dump them? Because it’s impossible, that’s why.

MORONS is like the mob. You never get out. Just try to stop the service, and they lure you back by giving you months and months of free service – a tactic that I always fall for.

Me: I want to close my account because you guys stink.

MORONS representative: How about this instead – you agree to stay with us and we’ll give you even more of the lousy service that you despise at absolutely no charge.

Me: Wow! What a great deal! I’ll take it!
It’s true, though, that a computer is a machine and machines have problems. It’s part of life. When you stop having problems, you need to check your pulse because you may not be on planet Earth anymore.

I do admit that I’m partially to blame for my computer problems, though. I realize now that I shouldn’t have begun a relationship so soon after breaking up with my old computer.

These rebound relationships never work. Is there such a thing as human/computer relationship counseling?

Mark and Monika Davis, D.D.S. open Davis Dentistry at Terravita Marketplace

September 9, 2009

mark davis"Our goal is to get you the winning smile you want and deserve!"

SCOTTSDALE – Husband and wife team Mark and Monika Davis, D.D.S. recently opened Davis Dentistry in the Terravita Marketplace, offering general and cosmetic dentistry.

Mark and Monika Davis chose the unique profession of dentistry because it incorporates dental science along with artistry. They are not only able to care for their patients medically, but also change their personal perception by creating a beautiful smile for them.

Their personal and professional philosophy is caring for patients’ needs one individual at a time – listening to each patient and together determining their best treatment.

Their practice is dedicated to establishing patient care that will continue to grow and evolve over a lifetime. They not only want to be your dentist, but also your family's dentist.

They can help to relax an anxious patient; they can consistently deliver an excellent product; and, most of all, they can change the perception of how people think of dentistry and dentists.

Even with the most strict self-care, teeth don't always grow the way you want them to; however, with the technology of today, they can now perform many dental procedures to give you the perfect smile.

Services include cosmetic and general dentistry: white mercury free fillings, inlays and onlays (for when a cavity is too big for a filling, but too small for a crown), crowns, bridges, dentures extractions, root canal treatments and dental implants.

Davis Dentistry is conveniently located at Terravita Marketplace, 34522 N. Scottsdale Rd. Suite D-5, Scottsdale. Dr. Mark Davis and Dr. Monica Davis are more than happy to talk to you about your questions about dentistry. Please call 480-595-1300 for more information or to schedule an appointment. You may also visit them online at www.DavisDentistry.com.

Mark Davis
Photo by Shari Jo Sorchych