Dr. Lilie offers well-rounded care program for entire family
By Joanne Holmberg | July, 16 2008
Although almost 50 percent of Naturopathic Physician Amy Lilies’ patients are pre-menopausal and menopausal women seeking relief from symptoms, Dr. Lilie finds it very rewarding to help the entire family including men and children. Patients range from pre-school children to adults well into their 70s with ailments such as chronic fatigue syndrome, thyroid disorders, Attention Deficit Disorder, and depression.
Marital tips for the groom-to-be
August 8, 2008
A friend of mine recently told me he was engaged. Since he’s never lived with a woman, I told him he’s going to need to buy a few things that he hasn’t used before such as household cleaning supplies and furniture not made out of old milk crates.
After our conversation, I felt bad because I realized I had offered him no real insight into the mysteries of matrimonial union. So, in order to correct this oversight, I offer the following heretofore undisclosed observations to all young men contemplating walking the aisle.
Revelatory Marriage Fact No.1: Getting married is like getting a free memory upgrade. As a man, your hard drive was filled up long ago with important stuff like sports scores and movie trivia, but women, for some inexplicable reason, have tons of extra storage capacity that is yours for the asking.
As a married man, you may feel free to store stuff on her hard drive that you think you might need later but don’t want to bother to remember yourself. “Wow, this is a great hamburger. Remind me to order this the next time we’re here.”
This is a tremendous resource that you will learn to thoroughly exploit. You will find yourself frequently asking her such questions as, “Honey, what’s the name of that song that I like?” or “What’re the names of those people that we’re friends with?” or “What’s my middle name?” The possibilities are as exciting as they are endless.
Wives are also frightfully good at remembering superfluous information like the names of your children and the dates of their births. All you will need to do is show up for your kid’s birthday party and act like you know what’s in the present he’s opening.
Revelatory Marriage Fact No. 2: When you get married, you will develop non-communication skills. God made women so they use about three times the number of words as a man in one day.
How is a guy supposed to interact with such a creature? In short, you’re not. Even attempting such a thing could almost instantaneously institutionalize you, or worse, turn you into a girl. Instead, you must develop the skill of tuning out your wife by converting the sound of her voice into white noise that you can easily ignore.
There is no way to instruct a young groom-to-be in this valuable art, but don’t worry, it will just happen. It’s a wondrous, mystical thing like falling in love, discovering a new kind of power tool, or getting a bite on your hook. You must relax and let it come to you. Rest assured, though, that one day you will be able to ignore your wife with the best of us.
When ignoring your wife, it is important to remember to evade detection by maintaining a semblance of conversation. Don’t try anything fancy at first or you’ll get busted for sure. Just a simple “Hmm?” or “Uh-huh” muttered occasionally will suffice. After a while you can graduate to “you don’t say” and “how about that.”
If she ever asks you, “What you mean by that?” know that you ventured too far and have officially blown your cover. You might as well start learning to “share your feelings” and “have conversations.” Shudder.
I recently read about a guy in Des Moines who started cutting coupons and getting manicures as a direct result of having conversations with his wife.
Getting married can be a little scary because you’re venturing into uncharted waters. You’re transitioning into a new stage of your life and you don’t know what to expect.
The important thing to remember when going through any change in life is that God’s love never changes. Nor is he ever far from you. Whatever awaits you on the other side of any change you encounter, you can count on God to not only walk with you through the transition, but also to be with you on the other side of it.
So I would encourage all those soon-to-be-married young men out there to embrace the change in your life. Oh, and you might also want to purchase a clothes hamper. I think you will find you will no longer be able to use the kitchen table as a dirty clothes receptacle.
Charles Marshall is a Christian comedian and author. Visit his website at charlesmarshallcomedy.com