A Change Of Pace

There’s a “new-knee” in the house

By Steele Coddington | July 23, 2008

spoofOne sure way to lose the attention of a listener is to describe your recent operation. You’ve probably heard a number of gory stories from a hundred people if you are retired. “. . . and then they sewed my incision up and forgot to take a pair of scissors out,” or “The doctor’s glasses fell off into where they took out my appendix and they were sewed right in before the doctor said, ‘Anyone seen my glasses?’” Well at least the patient’s belly button can see better now. Geez – some of the stories!

So I won’t give you any details about my wife’s knee replacement. I know if I did, people all over the United States would be calling me for advice, or guys cursing me out because now their wives want a new knee, or a hair job, or an enhancement (though most guys don’t seem to complain about an enhance-ment, and I’m certainly not talking about a nose job here either). I can tell you however, that my wife did mention in a play on words that a “’new-knee’ isn’t as much fun as a ‘noon-er’.” In a sign of the times, my neighbor’s 18 year old daughter who happened to be present, asked, “What’s a ‘nooner’?” “Ask your mom,” my wife said. Her mom’s only comment was, “Who told you about ‘nooners’?”

My wife also said I should make a real contribution to the medical field by advising other husbands whose wives were contemplating a knee replace-ment, just how superbly I handled the recuperation process. So to aid those wives whose husbands will be their caregivers, here are some very important points for the husbands to observe:

1. If you have any, make sure you have your daughters come help and stay for two or more weeks.

2. Ask everyone who wants to send your wife flowers, to please send money.

3. Ask everyone who intends to touch your wife if they’ve washed their hands.

4. Learn to change the sheets on your own bed at least once a month . . . (you can’t sleep with her while she’s recuperating, even if she doesn’t have a headache.)

5. Refuse to answer any questions about your own socks and underwear (yes, I am washing them – do you think I don’t know how to operate a washing machine?)

6. Prepare for putting elastic stockings on both of your wife’s legs – to help prevent clots you ignoramus – oops sorry – I know most weirdos probably know how to take stockings off, but this time you gotta put ‘em on. And it ain’t easy – so get used to it. Thank you.

7. Keep your kids, parents, relatives, neighbors and friends well informed. One of my daughters took pictures of my wife’s knee with the bandages still on so she could send it to her sister who was interested in how the knee looked. Then after the bandages came off, she took a picture of our neighbor’s husband’s big hairy knee and sent it to her sister saying it was mom’s knee. Needless to say, the “big hairy” knee picture elicited an immediate phone call and a, “How could that happen to mom’s knee?” “Gotcha,” said my jokes-on-you daughter. Yes, a sense of humor really helps.

Glad none of our kids believed it was their mom when I sent them a picture of my hairy chest. All I got was a “Please dad, no more ugly pictures.”


And they live among us ...

Reported by a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center:

A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "p u t all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture; this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.