A Change of Pace

Spoof Space: Borrowed blogs, quotes and political idiocy

By Steele Coddington | June 25, 2008
Plagiarism is roughly defined as using or imitating thoughts or language of another and representing them as your own. No one in their right mind admits to plagiarism, except liberal politicians in Washington who mistakenly think it’s another word expressing denial of utter stupidity. So they plagiarize a lot. Most writers consider it a sin, but with a wink and a guilty grin explain that stealing from one person might be plagiarism, but stealing from a bunch of people is research.

This week I did a lot of “research” so I could share some of the funny and some of the sad, from e-mails, magazines and newspapers to which many people might not have access. And if any of you plagiarist purists would like to throw rocks at the proverbial glass house all writers live in, please understand my flesh is weak and throw something equally hard – ice cubes – so I can use them in a medicinal, amber, 90 proof fluid from Kentucky that removes warts, wrinkles and worries, described as Markers Mark. Thank you. Onward to first filch ...

Brief lesson in translation, Chinese/English for the Olympics:
• That’s not right Sum Ting Wong
• You need a face lift Chin Tu Fat
• Been out in the sun? Wai Yu So Tan?
• You have B.O. Yu Stin Ki Pu
And my own contribution:
• How about a date, cutie? Yu Wan Tu Tai Wun On, Hon Nee?

Lexicologists humor:
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a nursery where a three year old was resisting a rest.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.
My ugly contribution:
• If you don’t know why you are reigning, ask the weatherman.

Good questions from a friend in Canada:
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline, “psychic wins lottery?”
• Why is it doctors call what they do “practice?”
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
My own clever question contribution:
• Yu Wan Tu Tai Wun On, Hon Nee?

Be my guest – think up your own clever contributions and send them to me.

Best political observation of the month: From National Review . . . “Hillary Clinton [before she withdrew] says she is winning the votes of ‘Hardworking Americans.’ Maybe so, but she needs a majority of Democrats.”

Stupidest statement: Democrat Congresswoman Maxine Waters, super liberal, commenting on what democrats will do with oil companies: “This liberal will be all about socializing ... (embarrassing pause) ... basically taking over. And the government running all of your companies.” Great Maxine, and who would head up the new agency to run the companies? Dennis “Surrender Now” Kucinich, Michelle “I hate America” Obama, John “Raghead” Conyers and Harry “Any Real Estate Deals Here” Reid. What will it be called, the Board of Oil Buffoons (BOOBs)? Drilling? Isn’t that what dentists do?

Best comment on an article in liberal Newsweek magazine: Describing the article, conservative writer Jonah Goldberg wrote, “According to a recent Newsweek cover story, which breaks new proctological ground for the depth and breadth of its buttkissing of the Obama campaign ... etc.”

Like plagiarism, the media will deny it, but their liberal loving lip prints are all over Obama.

Yep, Yu Stin Ki Pu!

God Bless America

Twenty ways to maintain a healthy
level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'in'.

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for smuggling diamonds'.

7. Finish all your sentences with 'in accordance with the prophecy'.

8. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Sing along at the opera.

12. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Don't use any punctuation.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream ‘I won! I won!'

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, “Run for your lives! They're loose!”

19. Tell your children over dinner, “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity ... share this with a friend and make them smile!