Mullet Over
BY JAMES K. WHITE | SEPTEMBER 8, 2010
Gee whiz, let’s try to get along peacefully
The word “clink” in referring to jail or prison has an interesting history. Apparently the term was first used in alluding to the prison run by the Bishop of Winchester in the 1100’s. The fiscally responsible bishop owned and ran 22 licensed brothels in 1161 and used the clink to confine customers and “ladies of the evening” who broke the bishop’s rules of conduct.
The black (Asian) and brown (Norway) rats enjoy nearly world wide distribution because of one little trick that they learned early on – how to stow away on ships. This trait unfortunately was also a factor in the rapid spread of diseases affecting much of the human population.
Dopey is the only one of the Disney seven dwarfs that does not sport a beard.
There are exactly eleven players on the standard field teams of cricket, soccer and American football.
During the later years of World War I, almost everyone had heard of the legendary German flying ace known as The Red Baron. There is little wonder about his fame because he shot down at least 80 planes in combat.
Most of us have seen the “Italian” Westerns that helped launch Clint Eastwood into super stardom. A Fistful of Dollars; For a Few Dollars More; and The Good, The Bad and the Ugly were all made in America.
I wonder why there aren’t little Bracket Fungi everywhere conceivable. One Bracket Fungus can let loose with 5.5 billion spores during one spores dispensing session, whenever that is.
The normal gestation period for a human is 265 days, as almost every human mother is well aware. One can only imagine the discomfort of a mommy rhinoceros which endures a gestation of 560 days.
At the renowned Belmont Park in New York State, there is a filly named Ruffian buried near the flagpole. She was noted for her speed and determination and is interred facing the finish line. She tried to finish a match race at Belmont with a foreleg completely shattered.
The Calumet Farm near Lexington, Kentucky has owned eight Kentucky Derby winners. That is a remarkable achievement. Kentucky is our 37th largest state and ranks 23rd in population. The Blue Grass State joined the Union on June 1, 1792.
Our nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., is not in any state, but was carved out of Maryland and Virginia. Although the city was named after our first president, George Washington never served as chief executive there. John Adams lived in Washington only one year (parts of 1800 and 1801) because the site was previously under construction.
Gee whiz, let’s try to get along peacefully. In about 20 percent of all murders in the U.S., the victim was killed by a family member. Well, be kind to about 100 percent of your kin and have a great week.
Think first!
Have you ever spoken and wished you could immediately take the words back ... or crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did ...
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around, walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word ... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven- month-old daughter, who was clean.
Then realized Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.'
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Although different versions of these are readily available online, the earliest post of several of these was on a motorcyclist site in 2008. If you have seen the original authors for any of these priceless testimonials, please let us know so we can properly credit them.
Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
The summer heat is really bothering you this year; it is taking out all of the energy in your system. Beware of arguments around the house with a significant other. Tempers may flare.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
It may be a good time to deal with a banking institution or a manager you deal with at work. You may meet someone who enlightens you about things that interest you.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
Try to save some your cash for a possible getaway. Other people are spending their money now. However your trip will be at a better time and more fun.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
You feel busy enough around the house, but you don’t really feel like you achieve that much in these activities. Sometimes you wish you could get as much out of it as what effort you put in.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
This is a good month to charm anyone. You seem to have the best of your assets together to win over anyone you meet. A new person may be coming into your life.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Is it the extreme heat or something in the air? People are acting out of whack in your world! Just be careful it doesn’t start changing your sensitivities.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
The passion of Mars and Pluto ignite special powers with the opposite sex and make you very irresistible! Try not to become too big headed about this with others.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
There may be a powerful or meaningful connection with someone you are going to meet. Pluto is in harmony with Mars and Venus which gives you equal power with love and passion.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
You still feel the aftermath of renewed enthusiasm and good feelings about everything around you. However; watch other egos that surround you.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
Much harmony surrounds you this week; it is a good thing and will help you have more confidence about your current affairs. You also feel stronger to talk about sensitive issues.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
Some arguing may be around you this week, either siblings or close friends. Try not to use too much of your own bravado – settle things down more reasonably.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
This month is centered around finances and finding ways to stretch every dollar to the max! Stay focused on current affairs; it is very important and worthwhile for your future.
