Spoof Space
BY STEELE CODDINGTON | AUGUST 18, 2010
Liar, Liar, your pants are
on fire ...
One of the character strengths of Americans that clearly demonstrates their distinctive “exceptionalism” continues to be lost on clueless government leaders. The particularly exceptional indescribable strength inherited by most Americans is a fundamental, success oriented mentality. We admire ideas that work – accompanied by an unforgiving sense of humor that with swift impatience vilifies continuing practices that are proven failures endorsed by brainless idiots.
For example, there is a growing anger in the conviction that the country’s ruling amateur-class leaders are instituting clearly unworkable government programs to intentionally alter the constitutional framework of a 200 year old republic that works better than any other government ever devised. The stealth agenda has triggered an awakening resistance within the soul of America, hardening its easy going sense of humor, provoking jokes, ridicule and the symbolic up-raised middle finger of a clenched fist aimed at the D.C. perpetrators.
The significance of that American gesture of defiance and the worsening mood of the country is sending signals via e-mail, Tea Parties and public hostility that may have humorous overtones, but a rising “don’t-tread-on-me” anger. Deep dissatisfaction with our government is creeping into e-mails like the funny but fatalistic revelation: “I’m so depressed with the condition of the country and the Democratic regimes’ failures, higher taxes, and no economic solutions, I decided to call the Suicide Hotline. The call center was in Pakistan and when I told them I was contemplating suicide they got very excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.”
My uncle added another example recently as a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners to detect terrorists at airports. He’s designed a booth that doesn’t X-ray bodies but detonates any explosive device a person might be carrying on their body. This eliminates all objections to racial profiling and focuses on the solution, the sentence and the punishment with little time or the expense of a bleeding heart trial.
I can’t speak for anyone else, or my wife, or my dog Arbuckle. They are smarter than I am because they take advantage of alternative reliable sources of national news. If you want the real skinny however, our dear country is in deep doo-doo. But don’t believe me – take a recommendation from my wife (like yours, brilliant), my dog (a Border Collie, brilliant) and a real heavy weight, my horse Queenie (A Thoroughbred, brilliant) and read two sources of what’s really going on in our country: Investors Business Daily and National Review Magazine. I think you will be shocked at learning regularly the political agenda of destructive undermining organizations like the National Education Association (NEA), SEIU, AARP, ACLU, etc. etc. etc, all sympathetic branches of the wrecking-ball administration.
It is sad when even my parrot BP (abbreviation for Bird Person), and now inadvertently, because of all the news about the oil spill, an expert on oily people yells, “Liar, liar, your pants are on fire” when he sees Obama, Pelosi, Reed or Frank, Rangel, etc, etc, etc on TV. It’s serious when even animals recognize people you shouldn’t let into your home.
The Living Bible
His name is Tim. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans, and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college.
He is brilliant. Kind of profound and very, very bright. He became a Christian while attending college.
Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church. They want to develop a ministry to the students but are not sure how to go about it.
One day Tim decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Tim starts down the aisle looking for a seat.
The church is completely packed and he can't find a seat. By now, people are really looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything.
Tim gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit, and when he realizes there are no seats, he just squats down right on the carpet.
By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick.
About this time, the minister realizes that from way at the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Tim.
Now the deacon is in his eighties, has silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can't blame him for what he's going to do.
How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane.
All eyes are focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With great difficulty, he lowers himself and sits down next to Tim and worships with him so he won't be alone.
Everyone chokes up with emotion ...
When the minister gains control, he says, 'What I'm about to preach, you will never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget.'
'Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people will ever read!'
Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
Relationships are very dynamic for Aries this month; keep partnerships positive. A secret may be revealed or something hidden may come to light on the 24th.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
This month centers on work, fitness and home projects. Enjoy yourself, but wait until later to make major decisions. Home is calling your attention.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
A new love may become serious for you. Mercury turns retrograde on the 20th, requiring more thought on your part. Career move possible near month end.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
This is a very lively month for home and with family. Get your paperwork together to cut corners and perhaps start packing; you may have a new opportunity.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
This whole month for Leo is about creativity and fun – a time that will energize you. If you have any true desires this is the time to put them out in the cosmos.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
This month Virgo is in retrograde with Mercury, so it is a time to finish up loose ends and move on, especially in the workplace. This fine-tuning will continue until September 12th.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Venus enters Libra this month, which opens up creativity. You need to move ahead on projects, especially those that have to do with an existing or new business.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Even though career issues are important this month, your personal life is strong; either an existing or new relationship is in the works. Be careful with your communications this week.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
Co-workers may be competitive so be pleasant but cautious. Until the 23rd you’re feeling quite adventurous; after this date your focus starts to center.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
All of your attention is on your career, family and other personal matters, leaving an opening for a partnership. You may meet this person through work or travel.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
This is not the strongest month for Aquarian decisions. Maybe letting others have the spotlight is the way to go. Exciting changes are on the horizon; stay in touch with reality.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Pisces’ whole month is about the sensitivity of our society and our human plight. You need to help unite others and you will be the spark to make it happen.
