Mullet Over
What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?
by James K. White | April 21, 2010
The star known as Mizar is the second star in the Big Dipper (Ursa Major) handle. Clever sky watchers have used Mizar as an eye test since ancient times because they “knew” that Mizar was really a double-star with a nearby twin (Alcor). Supposedly, only those with keen eyesight could detect the situation. It seems that the clever ones of old did not know it all. Observations with modern telescopes have revealed that there are actually six stars in the Mizar group.
Scientists have declared that there are 330 distinct species of marsupials. More than 200 of these mammals are indigenous exclusively to Australia and the nearby islands.
A different set of scientists have discovered more than 300 planets outside our solar system. When I was a lad, one of my science teachers stated that such heavenly bodies existed only in theory and that humanity might never know if planets “other than our nine” actually exist.
Scorpions are sometimes more than just scary or bothersome. In 1946 almost two thousand deaths were attributed to scorpion stings in some regions of Mexico. Even in recent times, folks have not been safe from the arachnids with pincers. The annual death toll due to reported scorpion stings in Mexico has hovered near a thousand for the last decade.
The combined volumes of the 5 Great Lakes could cover New York State with 600 feet of water.
I do not know Saeed Khouri , so I do not think that he lives in my neighborhood. However, in 2008 Saeed K. purchased the rights to his special “1” car license plate for $14.2 million.
Biologists have determined that the mantis shrimp and its close relatives have the most remarkable range of color vision of any animals on earth. Many of the hues distinguished by the little crustaceans are totally invisible to humans.
A dentist told me: What do you call a grizzly with no teeth? – A gummy bear.
The FAA reports that approximately 90 percent of all collisions (USA) involving two airplanes occur on the ground.
Ice cream makers in Japan have been experimenting with new flavors to gather data on which of the innovative recipes are the most popular. I know not what the results were, but I have found out that two of the flavors marketed were named “squid gut” and “pickled plum.” I did not make that up.
Well, you may have my portions of s.g. and p.p. (which sound better than the actual names) and – I wish you a great week.
To Whoever Gets My Dog
They told me the big black Lab's name was Reggie as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean and the people really friendly.
I'd only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn't hurt. Give me someone to talk to.
And I had just seen Reggie's advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn't look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must've thought I did.
But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes, and a sealed letter from his previous owner. See, Reggie and I didn't really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.
For some reason, his stuff (except for the tennis balls – he wouldn't go anywhere without two stuffed in his mouth) got tossed in with all of my other unpacked boxes. I guess I didn't really think he'd need all his old stuff, that I'd get him new things once he settled in. but it became pretty clear pretty soon that he wasn't going to.
I tried the normal commands the shelter told me he knew, ones like "sit" and "stay" and "come" and "heel," and he'd follow them – when he felt like it. He never really seemed to listen when I called his name – sure, he'd look in my direction after the fourth or fifth time I said it, but then he'd just go back to doing whatever. When I'd ask again, you could almost see him sigh and then grudgingly obey.
This just wasn't going to work. He chewed a couple shoes and some unpacked boxes. I was a little too stern with him and he resented it, I could tell.
The friction got so bad that I couldn't wait for the two weeks to be up, and when it was, I was in full-on search mode for my cell phone amid all of my unpacked stuff. I remembered leaving it on the stack of boxes for the guest room, but I also mumbled, rather cynically, that the "damn dog probably hid it on me."
Finally I found it, but before I could punch up the shelter's number, I also found his pad and other toys from the shelter. I tossed the pad in Reggie's direction and he snuffed it and wagged, some of the most enthusiasm I'd seen since bringing him home. But then I called, "Hey, Reggie, you like that come here and I'll give you a treat." Instead, he sort of glanced in my direction – maybe "glared" is more accurate – and then gave a discontented sigh and flopped down. With his back to me.
Well, that's not going to do it either, I thought. And I punched the shelter phone number.
But I hung up when I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that, too.
"Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let's see if your previous owner has any advice."
"To Whoever Gets My Dog:
Well, I can't say that I'm happy you're reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie's new owner.
I'm not even happy writing it. If you're reading this, it means I just got back from my last car ride with my Lab after dropping him off at the shelter. He knew something was different. I have packed up his pad and toys before and set them by the back door before a trip, but this time ... it's like he knew something was wrong. And something is wrong ... which is why I have to go to try to make it right.
So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.
First, he loves tennis balls ... the more the merrier.
Sometimes I think he's part squirrel, the way he hordes them.
He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. Hasn't done it yet.
Doesn't matter where you throw them, he'll bound after it, so be careful – really don't do it by any roads. I made that mistake once, and it almost cost him dearly.
Next, commands. Maybe the shelter staff already told you, but I'll go over them again: Reggie knows the obvious ones – "sit," "stay," "come," "heel." He knows hand signals: "back" to turn around and go back when you put your hand straight up; and "over" if you put your hand out right or left. "Shake" for shaking water off, and "paw" for a high-five. He does "down" when he feels like lying down – I bet you could work on that with him some more. He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody's business.
I trained Reggie with small food treats.
Nothing opens his ears like little pieces of hot dog.
Feeding schedule: twice a day, once about seven in the morning, and again at six in the evening.
Regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.
He's up on his shots.
Call the clinic on 9th Street and update his info with yours; they'll make sure to send you reminders for when he's due. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet.
Good luck getting him in the car – I don't know how he knows when it's time to go to the vet, but he knows.
Finally, give him some time.
I've never been married, so it's only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He's gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn't bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.
Which means that this transition is going to be hard, with him going to live with someone new. And that's why I need to share one more bit of info with you....
His name's not Reggie.
I don't know what made me do it, but when I dropped him off at the shelter, I told them his name was Reggie. He's a smart dog, he'll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. but I just couldn't bear to give them his real name. For me to do that, it seemed so final, that handing him over to the shelter was as good as me admitting that I'd never see him again. And if I end up coming back, getting him, and tearing up this letter, it means everything's fine. But if someone else is reading it, well ... well it means that his new owner should know his real name. It'll help you bond with him. Who knows, maybe you'll even notice a change in his demeanor if he's been giving you problems.
His real name is Tank. Because that is what I drive.
Again, if you're reading this and you're from the area, maybe my name has been on the news. I told the shelter that they couldn't make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. See, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could've left Tank with ... and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter ... in the "event" … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my colonel is a dog guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he'd do it personally. And if you're reading this, then he made good on his word.
Well, this letter is getting downright depressing, even though, frankly, I'm just writing it for my dog. I couldn't imagine if I was writing it for a wife and kids and family. But still, Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family.
And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.
That unconditional love from a dog is what I took with me to Iraq as an inspiration to do something selfless, to protect innocent people from those who would do terrible things ... and to keep those terrible people from coming over here. If I had to give up Tank in order to do it, I am glad to have done so. He was my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.
All right, that's enough.
I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter.
I don't think I'll say another good-bye to Tank, though. I cried too much the first time.
Maybe I'll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.
Good luck with Tank.
Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me."
-Thank you, Paul Mallory
I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure I had heard of Paul Mallory; everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.
I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
"Hey, Tank," I said quietly.
The dog's head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright. "C'mere boy."
He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted, searching for the name he hadn't heard in months.
"Tank," I whispered. His tail swished.
I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.
"It's me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek. "So whatdaya say we play some ball?” His ears perked again.
"Yeah, ball. You like that ball.
Tank tore from my hands and disappeared in the next room. And when he came back … he had three tennis balls in his mouth.
Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
Being inflexible is not the way to get things done; you have to think outside the box. Try to cut costs. Don’t spend unnecessary money around your home.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
You may have a friend willing to help you out; embrace their help. By the end of this week your romantic intentions will be met.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
It is a no nonsense kind of week; you need to get things done that you have been putting off too long. You encounter a new romance.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
Following practical guidelines is the way to go this week; you will have more contentment. Avoid getting into an argument; someone may be baiting you.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
You may think you’re the boss, but watch out you may be overstepping your boundaries at work. A surprise message comes into your life this week.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Check off things on your ‘to do’ list this week. Stay in the background in your work environment. It is not a good time to speak up. Wait for a better time.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
You’re off to a healthy start this week. Focus on new challenges around the house. Plans with friends cost money; try to be more frugal.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
This is a good time to plan a short trip. Influences around you can change your life at home or at work. Be ready to meet theses challenges.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
New yearnings may make it hard to concentrate on the day-to-day workload at the office. Uncertainty and restlessness may enter your future.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
You may make strides in an alliance this week so follow up and reach common ground. A trip on your horizon may be more fruitful than you first thought.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
Explore new healing techniques, most important to the well-being of your body and mind. Behavior of others may dampen your mood. A reality check may be in order.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Diet and health are always in the forefront. Don’t push to indulge in a different direction. A surprise encounter may make you feel like you’re walking on air.
