Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Now that I’m older, I realize that my imaginary friend was really nothing more than an imaginary acquaintance.
I know I’m getting old… the other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.
I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior Discount, Please!”
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
Everyone my age is older than me…
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Few women admit their age; few men act it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol.
Transitional age is when during a hot day you don’t know what you want – ice cream or beer.
I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.
You’re not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.
When I was young I did stupid things because I didn’t know any better. Now I know better and do stupid things because I miss being young.
What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It’s a whisk I was willing to take.
Accidentally called 911. Set my house on fire to not look stupid.
eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
