Catholic dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?
___
Donation
Reverend Olson answers the phone.
‘Hello, is this Reverend Olson?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
___
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: ‘Are you sorry for your sins?’
Man: ‘What sins?’
Priest: ‘What kind of a Catholic are you?’
Man: ‘I’m Jewish.’
Priest: ‘Why are you telling me all this?’
Man: ‘I’m 92 years old – I’m telling everybody!’
__
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’
‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
