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MARCH 6, 2013

Good mental health

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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation.  

BOOKCASE:  A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. 

BULIMIA: Retched excess.

CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence.

CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. 

CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. 

DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. 

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. 

ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise. 

FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp. 

FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. 

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. 

HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches. 

JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. 

LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. 

LECHER: A stud with liver spots. 

LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. 

LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. 

MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. 

MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. 

NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. 

NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it. 

OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet. 

POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception.

QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress.

REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor.

SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts.

STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent.  Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala.

STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete.

TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group  to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative.

UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork.

URINAL: The one place where all men are peers.

VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace.

WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room.  2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance.

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms.