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dECEMBER 12, 2012

The rules of rural Minnesota are as follows:

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1.  Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.'  I drive a pickup truck because I want to.  No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to Minnesota farmers. Get over it.. Don't like it? I-94 goes east and west, pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. Grain farmers have $350,000 combines that they drive only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Minnesota waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.  You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat potatoes, gravy, venison and pasties.  You really want sushi and caviar?  It's available at Jim's bait shop...

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday in November.

10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.  Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.  We use three seasonings - salt, pepper, and ketchup.  Oh, yeah … We don't care what you city folks call that stuff you eat … IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be homegrown, cute, knows how to shoot, drive a truck, and she better have long hair …

15. College and high school football/basketball are as important here as the Lions and the Pistons … and more fun to watch.

16.  Yeah, we have golf courses.  But don't hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.

17.  Colleges?  We have them all. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Voc-techs.  Folks come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. Turn down that  blasted car stereo!  That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard – it's a flurry.  Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska.  Worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.

20.  By the way … if you want to talk to God in Minnesota, it's a local call.