BY STEELE CODDINGTON | NOVEMBER 7, 2012
Caveat: this article may contain mature information not suitable for children under 27 years of age. But it is collectable like your hidden porno stash. Denial: this is not a “how to” article on self removal of, or advice on, anyone’s gall bladder, or a self help guide for anyone with tummy gas or pains in the chest area.
Because of the thriving state of tort liability and a plethora of new lawyers temporarily working as waiters until they can find a suitable cause of action, any writer giving information on a medical condition that could be deemed as advice, needs to put a warning label on the pill bottle so-to-speak. So, having met my required legal caveat, you will now be thrilled to read my written regurgitation (medical word I learned in the hospital), of a successful extraction of my gall bladder. But strangely, I have learned that this particular operation seems to have already been had by everyone with whom I tried to engage in an organ recital. But if you haven’t, then you probably are anxious to learn more about a gall bladder.
It is a small organ inside your body just below your liver, on the right side. I cannot remember that anyone explained to me what its function is – just that it’s gotta go. The surgeon and my gall bladder didn’t get along, so we decided to exile it with a procedure called laproscopic cholecystectomy. It was a fun-seeking body improvement choice that involved pumping air into the stomach area to bloat it sufficiently to remove the organ through some holes they make around the place where the gall bladder lives. Sorry, that’s about all I wanted to know. It may have taken 20 minutes to half an hour to separate my gall bladder from me. I was asleep, but woke up and got my instructions: move your feet and legs while lying in bed – breathe deeply and blow out – move your bowels ASAP and walk, walk, walk. But especially try to flatulate to get the air out of your tummy.
For my student readers, “flatulate” is also a four letter word beginning with F and ending with T, that my wife doesn’t allow anyone in the family to say or perform because it’s uncivilized and vulgar. I had an accident once and broke wind in front of my children. My wife disowned me when one of the children said mischievously, “Daddy made a noise.” Trying to find any excuse I said, “Sorry, I think I coughed.” From that time on any indiscretion in public was a “cough.”
As a positive contribution here, removal of a gall bladder is the best excuse ever invented to pass gas in public. So for all those crude guys who drink beer and watch football, it is a perfect out for your gross habits. It is acceptable to flatulate in recovery as long as you apologize and blame it on your operation. It is acceptably recuperative, après gall bladder, to “cough” almost everywhere – in line at Starbucks or the supermarket – but the one place that remains a sacrosanct no-no is in a crowded elevator. No reason to cause a panic where no one can escape.
One new development provided by the hospital that is patient friendly is their organ framing service. For an extra charge they will save your gall bladder and frame it as an attractive display for hanging over your mantel or an office wall. You can then always point at it caringly and “cough” with imPHEWnity.