Spoof Space

BY STEELE CODDINGTON | JANUARY 4, 2012

Excerpts from the underground

Every year on January 1 we celebrate the fact that we live in the United States of America where assassinations of journalists are still a relatively infrequent occurrence. To the thankful relief of my dog Arbuckle that’s a good thing because your meal ticket is also your best friend. Apprising the public of inappropriate, immoral or illegal shenanigans is a mission rarely appreciated by the perpetrators. Unfortunately, in spite of Biblical revelations like John 8:32 ... “the truth shall make you free,” large numbers of the unwashed are insufficiently convinced about what truth or freedom of the press is, or prefer to think truth involves 24 virgins in the next life.

Still, because our work is noble and our cause is just, we decided to re-publish a few gems that appeared in 2011 in Advice columns of Underground Newspapers. Questions were from members of the enslaved middle class regularly deceived by liberal rhetoric all over the world under the promise of, “I’m doing this for you!” Here are some of the excerpts:
From the Underground Give-Me-Liberty Sentinal, Cave Creek, AZ:

Q: Dear Sentinal, soon Obama will give his annual State of the Union Address. Do you think it will be worth listening to? Harry R.

A: No. This year the show will be referred to as the Great Prevarication Address, crediting events in 2011 like a Whodunit novel. If it was bad, Bush did it. If it was good, Obama did it. This year Groundhog Day and State of the Union occur on the same day. It will be difficult to distinguish which will be more important. The only truth this year will be reflected in the new billing of the address as “The STATE OF THE UNIONS,” so Obama can elaborate on “changes” that allow public employee unions to control elections at every level of government. When union dues are automatically deducted from employee pay checks and remitted to union HQs, my dog Arbuckle says that even violates a fundamental dog no-no rule, “Never bite the hand that feeds you.” Union dues finance elections that earn paybacks of obscenely generous contributions for pensions, health care, sick leave, etc, etc. Ignorant tax payers don’t seem to grasp the loss of their hand as it reaches for their wallet.

From the Underground Russian Gazette-for-Freedom:

Q: When Vladimer Putin becomes President of Russia, will he begin to emulate President Obama? Rasputin K.

A: Maybe. To assess freedom in Russia you need to ask people like journalist Anna Politkovskya and hundreds of other journalists. If you can find their bodies. Change, from Russian oligarchy, where all the power, wealth and corruption is in the hands of the Mafia, ex KGB and former Communist officials, to Obama’s new system might cut the journalist death rate. But his INEPTOCRACY, that we are aware of, doesn’t whack people, it just functions so that the least capable to lead are elected or appointed by the least capable of producing results, where the members of society not sustaining themselves are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of tax payers and producers.

From the German Underground Knicker Bocker:

Q. Chancellor Merkel is trying to rescue bankrupt nations in Europe. Will we have to bailout the USA too? Can I afford to keep my dog? Helmut

A. Ya! Schnapps, Schnitzels and Schnauzers is good. Bailouts, stimulus and schpending is bad. The U.S. needs to say “auf Wiedersehen Mr. Obama.”

My job search

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it  – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,  
but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it … couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Centre,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

So I tried retirement and I found I’m perfect for the job!

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2012 Annual Part II
January 4 – 10, 2012
(View Annual Part I)

Aries:  Mars, your ruling planet, is preparing to go through a retrograde cycle as the year begins.  On this visit the review is in your house of work and health.  You may find it a challenge to move forward with your goals in either of these areas until the end of April.  Do not give up or you will lose ground. During March when Mercury turns retrograde in your sign you will likely change your mind and back out of a previously made plan.  Overall important commitments to new activities are unlikely until the end of April.  Use these months to think seriously about your next direction.  You are probably already aware that you are becoming more and more charged with the zeitgeist of our times, independence versus oppression.  It is probable you will be embroiled in this battle in a major way by June, continuing on through October.  Stay on the side of social justice and you will be doing the right thing.  Aspects suggest a thoroughly challenging August.  Personal relationship issues could explode.  Resources are subject to tighten in the fall.  Overall this will be a challenging year, but when it is over you will know you are doing the right things for yourself and perhaps for others as well.

Taurus:  You will have over five more months of Jupiter in your sign.  This placement represents expansion of your life through philosophy, travel or education.  It oftentimes promotes the “flow” in your life so that things are easier than they have been in the past.  This Jupiter transit began in June of 2011 and occurs for one full year out of every twelve.  It represents a time of new beginnings that continue on forward, well after it has left your sign.  Times that are particularly auspicious for you are in mid-Jan., mid-March and late Nov.  Venus, your ruling planet, turns retrograde in mid-May through June.  Very probably you will be reviewing financial conditions during that time.  Income may be less during those months or expenses greater than norm.  You may withdraw from social activities and people during this period.  This is probably not your best year for romance.  I see challenges in relationships in Feb., Apr, June, Aug, Sep, and early Nov.  Someone new enters your life in early Dec. who may become a teacher or point you in the next “right” direction.  During the last quarter your attitude about partnership overall becomes clearly more serious.  You will want to be in a relationship that is moving forward or you are prepared to let it go.

Gemini:  Whatever illusions you might have about your usual work in the world are beginning to crack.  You seek a mission which will re-enchant your everyday life and give you a sense of meaning.  Jan.-Feb. opens the year with your attention on shared resources.  "Resources" include time, things of material value, energy and sexuality.  The territory is wide, ranging from the mundane study of the budget and finances all the way to important discussions with partners over the need for greater intimacy.  You may be organizing business issues related to an inheritance or your own legacy.  Think very carefully in April about any relationship decisions, including contracts.  The probability is strong you will feel the need to back out of commitments during May, June, to mid-July.  During this period you will prefer to spend time in solitude.  Fair warning to those in committed relationships:  you will be prone to regress into old patterns of relating that you know are not productive.  Avoid this if you possibly can or you will have apologies to make later.  On June 11, the planet Jupiter moves into your sign and will remain there for a full year.  Jupiter in your sign will lighten any load, renew your sense of optimism and reinforce your self esteem.  Help and cooperation of others will be more available to you, especially if you make your requests in person. The spiritual dimension of your life will improve and travel or education becomes more prominent.

Cancer:  Let’s look at the big picture since 2009.  Pluto opposes your sign, challenging you to recognize your worth in some way and stand up for yourself.  This press will continue for a decade.  Uranus moved into your territory of career and social contributions.  It is pressuring you to find ways to express your unique identity in the outer world, preferably while promoting social justice.  It continues for 7 years.  The Saturn voice is sending you words of caution and asking you to maintain your safety, security and the status quo.  Sometimes the cosmos seems to have a sense of humor.  How can you manage all these projects at once?  No doubt you are, even though there might be a foul-up now and then.  In Jan. it might all seem to be too much, but you will climb out of your shell in Feb. to greet the world anew.  Health issues may need attending during March.  The eclipse season between mid-May and mid-June draws attention to your health once again.  You will probably be choosing to begin healthful regimens anew.  During June, Aug.-Sep, and Nov-Dec. there will be episodes related to the above projects.  You are getting stronger all the time.

Leo:  Maintaining your health has become a priority in the last three years.  Exercise and diet are a major part of your daily activities now.  You realize more than most that health is the bottom line and nothing else in your life works without these basics.  Special emphasis on this factor is present in Jan., Mar-Apr, late June, late Sep., and Dec.  Travel and expansion of your life territory is significant through June.  Aspects for this are favorably emphasized during late Jan., late Feb. and May.  Make note of the weeks surrounding the Mar. 21st equinox as this is a propitious time for you to begin new things, especially if they involve travel or communications.  You may overdo during late June, early July.  Ease up on the energy output and take rest breaks.  Give special attention to investments and other shared resources.  There are signs of loss there, slow and gradual, as though leaking.  For the past two years you have had concerns about aging family members or property.  The time is approaching for a change in both areas and will be apparent in late Oct. through the end of the year.  You may shift your attention almost entirely to one or both of these matters as this year ends and the next begins.

Virgo:  The first four months of this year could feel like you are trudging through molasses.  Even your physical body may feel sluggish.  Your primary focus is internal healing at this time.  Anger which has been buried in the past may be surfacing now and you need to work toward letting it go.  Resentment is bad for your health.  If you have had illusions about your primary relationship(s), these are beginning to fade.  You will find a far more realistic perspective.  It may be painful, but you can then have a more solid basis on which to make good decisions about your relationship life.  You will find the garlic you need to repel vampire types.  Issues concerning financial resources will demand attention, particularly in the time frame of March and April.  In July and August the inner critic may be hard at work.  Most of what it says is a lie, so don’t accept its chattering as truth.  This may also be a time in which you are once again healing your past.  During mid-Sept. global affairs will be particularly a focus of attention, along with another round of evaluating your resources.  In Nov. you may feel compelled to rearrange your home or to buy or sell property.  Mercury is retrograde at that time and it would be best to make no permanent decisions until mid-Dec.  From June 2012 for the following year your career is a bright spot. During the last quarter you will be moving toward work that requires learning and practicing sharpened communication skills.

Libra: Saturn has been in your sign since Nov. of ’09.  Since that time you have felt the need to mature, and to solidify your identity, probably in a new or additional field of work.  Saturn will continue to be in your sign until Nov. of ’12.  You have a few more months to bring a sense of completion to these tasks.  No doubt you have matured significantly over these years and through multiple circumstances have come to know yourself from a deeper, more conscious core.  Starting last spring changes have come into your life through relationships with others.  This will continue for another six years.  Many of these relationships will be with those who have minds of their own and they will teach you to set boundaries, claim your independence in a relationship and learn more about taking care of yourself.  Others may come and go suddenly.  Times of potential upheaval occur in Feb., Aug., Sep., and early Nov.  Times of restoration are Jan., Oct., and latter Nov. through Dec.  During the months of May and June you may back off from relationships altogether for R&R.  Beginning in Nov. you will have fewer discretionary resources.  This may be due to a decision to decrease debt, or increase savings and investments. 

Scorpio:  The flow of 2012 will begin in slow motion for the first four months.  It may feel to you as though you are repeatedly treading old ground.  You are looking for somewhere to connect and put down roots.  In May you might encounter a physical or emotional blockage that demands healing before you move forward.  In June through Sep. you will be heavily involved in the drama of our time:  justice versus oppression.  This will certainly develop in your personal life and you may also become involved in the collective struggle.  Note your frame of mind in July and take responsibility for it.  If you do not recognize your feelings, a situation may drop in from the sky that will remind you of circumstances of the past.  You will be prone to overreact. Drive and handle tools very carefully at that time.  In the big picture you are nearly at the end of a 28 year cycle concerning your work in the world.  As the fall begins you are likely to leave behind an old and worn out way of life.  You may be choosing to be alone for a while rather than continue in a dead situation.  Even those of you in committed relationships may choose to withdraw while you concentrate upon reinventing yourself during the next few years. 

Sagittarius:  Beginning last summer your opportunities related to work have begun to open.  You are able to make more income than before.  In addition your physical and emotional health are improved.  This good fortune continues through the month of March, 2012.  The window does not close, but after March it will be your responsibility to maintain the opportunities you’ve been given.  In mid-June your ruling planet, Jupiter, moves into the sign of Gemini for the following year.  This brings improvements in partnerships of any kind.  In particular, note the time frame during the second half of July to bring positive changes in this area.  Perhaps you will find someone new or will be adding new spirit to an ongoing relationship.  Throughout the year you will feel restless concerning your sense of home and security base.  You may be searching for the truth of your history.  At any time during the next few years you may discover that some facts about your past were never true at all.  Previously unknown factors may alter the picture entirely.  Many of you will be yearning to seek a dream that takes you to distant places. The theme of water is prominent, suggesting that you need to create a home literally nearby a body of water or maybe add the soothing of water sounds to your environment.

Capricorn:  This is the second year of five which bring major transition and change to your life.  For 2012 the summer and fall are particularly notable.  On the mundane level you likely will see significant changes among those in your family.  As this happens, your own attitudes about how families should be will open to the unusual, even eccentric.  You will struggle inside yourself on the subject of control versus freedom.  You may become bored, tired of being in charge and ready to pass on the baton.  One part of you is looking for escape from the crucible of your own rules.  If this does not come from the inside, you will be challenged from the outside to crack a firm belief and allow the rush of a great gulp of fresh air to open your mind.  The freedom will be exhilarating, once you let go of the struggle.  Since last summer you have been given fresh inspiration through a creative work, the birth of a child, or another new love in your life.  This energy is prominent through April.  Between May and August an issue requiring healing of the body or spirit will come to the surface and require attention.  It is possible that it is someone near to you who requires your assistance, rather than yourself.  During the last quarter of the year you will feel a need to take responsibility for your niche in life and clarify the role you want to play in the world.

Aquarius:  As Neptune departs your sign in Feb., it may carry away the last vestiges of an illusion you have had about yourself or your direction in life.  It has been with you for 14 years, so the change may be startling.  Perhaps a long held spiritual belief is dissolving or becoming much less a priority.  It was good for many years but if we are to grow, we must allow some things to be left behind, lest they turn to concrete.  A new vision for your life will take its place as the year moves forward, but be patient.  During the summer you could be attending to the health of yourself or that of someone who depends upon you. Your career or work in the world is moving toward an important turning point.  You can predict this now by understanding yourself and your attitude toward your occupation.  If you are participating in work that fulfills you, then in late 2012 and through 2013 you will be given a boost, along with more recognition and responsibility.  If instead, you are bored and ready to depart then the transition away from this situation will be within sight by the end of this year.  The point is that it is time to find purpose in the world that makes sense for you.  If it is not already there, then it will be time to seek out another adventure.

Pisces:  During 2011 you began to wake up to your mission in life.  Your entire history has prepared you for what is beginning to happen now.  The Piscean, who often feels like a bystander in the world, is coming into a true calling.  For quite a long time you have been prepared for bringing your voice of inspiration and healing to the world.  Warnings!  Do not allow your ego to take control of this mission or it will go dark.  You are not the only one, but your natural gifts are called forth by the collective now.  It is important that you recognize you are becoming a messenger.  You are not the message.  You must take care of your body.  Whatever might be amiss in your physical system will show its symptoms now.  Addictions of whatever type are already taking their toll.  Carefully consider your lifestyle and recognize that not all addictions are chemical.  Between July of last summer and the end of April 2012, a perfect path has opened up which will show your first few steps on this journey.  Teaching, short distance travels, or communication of your ideas is prominent and must happen now.  During late Feb. and Mar. it will be time to back up and review, to insure you are a spiritually clear vehicle for the message.  Overcome your natural tendency to shyness and speak up while you have the opportunity.  Other possibilities for reaching people develop in the fall.  Do not give in to fear.  The world is ready for you at last.

Are you interested in a personal horoscope?  Vivian Carol may be reached at 704-366-3777 for private psychotherapy or astrology appointments. Visit www.horoscopesbyvivian.com.