Spoof Space


SPOOF SPACE BY STEELE CODDINGTONExcerpts from the underground

Every year on January 1 we celebrate the fact that we live in the United States of America where assassinations of journalists are still a relatively infrequent occurrence. To the thankful relief of my dog Arbuckle that’s a good thing because your meal ticket is also your best friend. Apprising the public of inappropriate, immoral or illegal shenanigans is a mission rarely appreciated by the perpetrators. Unfortunately, in spite of Biblical revelations like John 8:32 ... “the truth shall make you free,” large numbers of the unwashed are insufficiently convinced about what truth or freedom of the press is, or prefer to think truth involves 24 virgins in the next life.

Still, because our work is noble and our cause is just, we decided to re-publish a few gems that appeared in 2011 in Advice columns of Underground Newspapers. Questions were from members of the enslaved middle class regularly deceived by liberal rhetoric all over the world under the promise of, “I’m doing this for you!” Here are some of the excerpts:
From the Underground Give-Me-Liberty Sentinal, Cave Creek, AZ:

Q: Dear Sentinal, soon Obama will give his annual State of the Union Address. Do you think it will be worth listening to? Harry R.

A: No. This year the show will be referred to as the Great Prevarication Address, crediting events in 2011 like a Whodunit novel. If it was bad, Bush did it. If it was good, Obama did it. This year Groundhog Day and State of the Union occur on the same day. It will be difficult to distinguish which will be more important. The only truth this year will be reflected in the new billing of the address as “The STATE OF THE UNIONS,” so Obama can elaborate on “changes” that allow public employee unions to control elections at every level of government. When union dues are automatically deducted from employee pay checks and remitted to union HQs, my dog Arbuckle says that even violates a fundamental dog no-no rule, “Never bite the hand that feeds you.” Union dues finance elections that earn paybacks of obscenely generous contributions for pensions, health care, sick leave, etc, etc. Ignorant tax payers don’t seem to grasp the loss of their hand as it reaches for their wallet.

From the Underground Russian Gazette-for-Freedom:

Q: When Vladimer Putin becomes President of Russia, will he begin to emulate President Obama? Rasputin K.

A: Maybe. To assess freedom in Russia you need to ask people like journalist Anna Politkovskya and hundreds of other journalists. If you can find their bodies. Change, from Russian oligarchy, where all the power, wealth and corruption is in the hands of the Mafia, ex KGB and former Communist officials, to Obama’s new system might cut the journalist death rate. But his INEPTOCRACY, that we are aware of, doesn’t whack people, it just functions so that the least capable to lead are elected or appointed by the least capable of producing results, where the members of society not sustaining themselves are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of tax payers and producers.

From the German Underground Knicker Bocker:

Q. Chancellor Merkel is trying to rescue bankrupt nations in Europe. Will we have to bailout the USA too? Can I afford to keep my dog? Helmut

A. Ya! Schnapps, Schnitzels and Schnauzers is good. Bailouts, stimulus and schpending is bad. The U.S. needs to say “auf Wiedersehen Mr. Obama.”

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My job search

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it  – mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,  
but just didn't have the thyme.

Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it … couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Centre,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

So I tried retirement and I found I’m perfect for the job!

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