Spoof Space


Here’s a butt slapper for you

STEELE CODDINGTONA recent article in USA Weekend Sunday Supplement entitled “What our pets think of us,” was reviewed by my dog Arbuckle, who I should forewarn you is a Border Collie with a doggie intelligence loaded with a high quotient of common sense painfully absent in the Bankrupt America Rogues Gallery alliteratively referred to as Ominously Overdrawn Obama, Regurgitive Reid, Pitiful Pelosi and Chuck-u Slander Slinging Schumer. Sorry, Arbuckle the Articulate asked me to include that brief biographical snapshot.

Anyhow, the article quoted many humans with impressive titles, as proof of their authenticity as spokespersons on behalf of dogs – certified applied animal behaviorist, veterinarian behaviorist and animal cognitive researcher. And they did a good job interpreting dog thought. Not quite as reliable as a dog with a Dog Degree on Human Frailties, Failures and Inedible Dog Food, or a Pet Pedigree in Psychocainineometry, who can analyze human behavior better than most psychiatrists.

One of the experts in the article suggested, “Dogs understand us better than we understand them.” In fact one said, “In some ways my dog understands me better than my husband does.” And she attributed it to a dog’s ability as a “keen observer of cues of which we are unaware we are sending ... how we act, and probably how we smell.”

Arbuckle would agree with those conclusions – cautioning however, that humans cannot really read a dog’s mind the way he/they can read human moods, words, and intentions as long as the human is honest and has the ability to reciprocate a dog’s high-fives. His authority on that pecularity is a study done by The Wall Street Journal of the tapes of the recent Dallas Maverick’s defeat of the Miami Heat. It attributed the Maverick’s wins to team “chemistry” in the form of touching, with high-fives, hugs, chest pats or butt slaps – all of which are the attributes of team camaraderie that make teams winners. The Maverick’s total high-fives in just games one, two and three was 250, versus 134 for the Heat. And the degree to which that sort of camaraderie is present is how dogs understand humans.

Arbuckle, like most dogs, is having a tough time these days trying to comprehend what the heck is going on in this crazy world. Dogs like simple clarity, with straight forward indications. For example, Arbuckle has trouble understanding the proliferation of ads that promote supplements to enhance your libido and increase your testosterone. Why can’t you just sniff someone, or give them a high-five to set the stage for your sexual inclinations? He doesn’t like words that confuse meanings, like testosterone, or like in politics, lies – like calling increasing taxes, investments.

I know, I know, it’s hard for my student readers out there to give much credence to my firm belief in anthropomorphism, but if you teach your dogs to high-five, hug and give butt slaps, you’ll improve your ability to communicate with all forms of life.

And I promise you that next time I see Obama, Reid, Pelosi or Schumer, I will try to substitute the butt kick they deserve with a butt slap and maybe my taxes won’t go up.

GBA banner

Witticisms of Ignorance

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart?"
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Time's fun when you're having flies ... Kermit the Frog
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Puzzle Solutions