Spoof Space
BY STEELE CODDINGTON | MAY 25, 2011
Opportunities abound midst healthcare fiasco
A new industry is about to be born and many of my highly intelligent readers have besieged me to enter the field for the benefit of America’s new Proletariat (you and me) who might be affected, or more appropriately, “afflicted.” The new industry will be the army of those who under Obamacare, if the abomination is passed, will be excluded or prohibited from specific treatments by the decisions of politically appointed “juries.”
With the disappearing numbers of doctors, a new ruling class of Saul Alinsky bureaucrats will emerge to decide your treatment options. Based on Obama’s choice of Czars, the new juries will probably become home for radical Democrat loyalists from ACORN, SEIU or Public Employee Union members as a political reward for their vote for your liberal U.S. Representative.
Those deprived or unqualified patients, as well as all the many disturbed people out there unable to afford psychiatric treatment or advice to help deal with their weird misconceptions, disinformation, distorted rhetoric and pathological paranoia will need a NON-GOVERNMENTAL advocate. They will need a source like moi, an un-brain-washed source of information soon to be available once a month in a new question and answer column not controlled by Big Brother. I will soon complete my doctor’s degree from a little known government agency that is shovel ready – with my degree in Personality Orchestrated Objectivity (POO) with special training in fairness, diversity and factual disinformation. To familiarize you with the type of questions we will get, here are some early enquiries:
Dear Dr. Steele: I have a pierced nose septum with a little silver thing shaped like a horseshoe. Is it still a cool thing to wear? (Nuggie from Pasadina)
Dear Nuggie: No. It makes blowing the nose difficult and spreads booggers in the air. People who try to go through airport security wearing a nose ring will be stopped and subjected to tests for explosives in the nostrils that blow something up, or down, or out. You don’t see Border Collies wearing nose rings, do you?
Dear Dr. Steele: I wear a ring through my lower lip and wonder if people stare at me because they wish they had one? (Hortense from Brooklyn)
Dear Hortense: No, they’re staring because they wonder when the hole it makes in your mouth will turn green and infect your brain with lipofecesbrainyitis (LOB), or you-know-what-for-brains. Such rings often catch on strange objects, others’ teeth, and collect germ laden food particles that contribute to LOB. The FAA is considering naked body searches for lip-ring wearers on the theory they could have been led around with the damn thing on a leash by some terrorist organization.
Dear Dr. Steele: I’m a pretty dull person and not very entertaining. Can you give me a tip on how I can become the life of the party? (Dilbert from Omaha)
Dear Dilbert: Yes. Buy a new cell phone and turn the ring signal on “Vibrate.” Ask people in any group to call you and you will instantly become a vibrant personality.
Well as you can see, these are important questions and we’ll have more next week.
Things my mother taught me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about
HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
On June 1, we will begin featuring Stargazer, a weekly horoscope column by Vivian Carol. Here is what Vivian has to say about your Zodiac sign:
