Spoof Space


Phobias ... Hope yours are better than mine

Steele CoddingtonSeems as though everyone has a phobia these days, and everyone I know is trying to get rid of theirs. For the hundreds of student readers out there – “A phobia is a persistent fear of an object or situation which the sufferer goes to unreasonable lengths to avoid.” For example, people who live on the west coast, especially California, have two persistent phobias. One concerns earth quakes and the other is how to leave California before the legislature votes themselves another raise in pay and pension benefits. Some surfers paddling their surf boards out, to ride in on a wave, have simply decided to keep on paddling and have never been seen again. Others have sold their boards to pay increased taxes and moved to Nevada, Arizona – anywhere! I asked a friend who still lives there how the quake situation was in L.A. “Like making a living,” he said – “Shaky.”

France recently expressed its national phobia about burquas worn in public by outlawing them. The ban was proposed after a kid couldn’t find his mom who was wearing a burqua while shopping in a mall in Paris. The gendarme trying to help the kid asked, “What does your mom look like?” Pondering the question for a minute, the boy said, “Umm, I don’t know.” My next door neighbor has a French Poodle named Francois who has a paternity phobia. When I asked him who his father is, he said, “Jen ne sais pa,” but he was happy to hear that France has also banned barkquas for dogs.

Francois’ other phobia is related to his French Poodle pedigree. He worries more about his supply of French food than about his Pa - French fries and French toast which he scarfs down faster than fois gras. But his real phobia is about France’s national image. He dreams that someone will design a fire hydrant that looks like the Eiffel Tower and dogs will demean the national symbol of France whenever they are near one.

My dog Arbuckle, watching the royal wedding on TV, developed a phobia about the 18 inch high bear skin hats worn by the British Foot Guards at Buckingham Palace. “Those hats look too much like a couple of black lab dog friends of mine that disappeared the last time Prince Charles visited the U.S.”

When I developed my own phobia, verminophobia, fear of germs, because no one washes their hands, Arbuckle stopped doing dog tricks like shaking paws with people who like to see dogs do tricks. That is a dog phobia called pawdogo-phobia. I don’t blame him because dogs’ paws, while very germy, gotta be cleaner than the hands of most humans. Dogs don’t pick their nose, or do things with their paws that humans do when they go to the bathroom.

My worst fear came true when I went to Ancestry.com to see who my ancestors were, and found out I was an orphan. So like Francois the dog, all I can say is “je ne sais pa.” Thank goodness I don’t have anatidaephobia – fear that some time, somehow, somewhere a duck is watching you.

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Holy humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly," it stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign ... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."