Spoof Space


spoof space by steele coddingtonScuz world ... and its discontents

The scraggly three or four day growth of beard seems to be the latest male fashion trend in Hollywood. But it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Personal surveys found the guys with scraggly faces probably have skuzzy armpits. That untouchable section of the body is referred to by the cognoscenti on the Amalfi coast in Italy as “The Garbageri.” While Hollywood scuz aficionados and their fashion followers may wear Armani suits, most of them would qualify as pit boss in a dirt factory according to a famous celebrity laundry and dry cleaning establishment in Hollywood, appropriately named “The Dirt Bin.”

Their records confirm they rarely receive socks or underwear from men with scraggly hair on their faces. Those types often don’t wear any underpants or socks – or they keep wearing them until they wear out or rot – confirming another charming manifestation of scuz world. None of those pseudo sex symbols would wash their own laundry and they sure as hell aren’t living with their mothers – the only force for cleanliness left in the world.

Apparently the rage to look like a bum isn’t catching on with women. Our survey showed expressions of support for scraggly beards was about as short as a list of brains in the Senate majority in D.C.

Women tend to place scraggly faces as second only in distaste to exposed armpits, even their own. Research reveals that 95 percent of women consider arm pits unattractive, while 93 percent think men’s faces that are scraggly are less attractive than arm pits. But they are winning their own battle of ugly armpits with a new deodorant just introduced called “Dove-Ultimate-Go-Sleeveless,” designed not only to make their pits odor free, but prettier within five days.

Some of their responses to our survey:

“Any woman who thinks several days of scraggly beard is sexy may be a pervert who also thinks a guy who wears the same underwear for four days is cute.”

“Well, you know it’s kinda like kissing your pet goat.”

“Can’t he afford a razor blade?”

“Did you ever kiss a porcupine?”

“My lips are too tender to waste on a pin cushion.”

“It’s a fad. Some guys feel they’re cool with gold necklaces, ear rings or tattoos, but the scuz look is a Freudian desire to identify with earlier species in development.”

An elementary school teacher said, “We try to make sure kids up to the third grade are clean shaven and unarmed. After that they’re on their own.”

A famous Hollywood actress said, “All skuzzy faced men look alike with their clothes on.”
My dog Arbuckle said, “If someone with a scraggly face tries to kiss me, he’d better say ‘woof, woof’.”

If the movie “Gone With the Wind” was produced today, Scarlett O’Hara would say, “Rhett’s mustache is OK and he has a cute derrière – but I don’t cotton to scraggly faces.” And Rhett would have said, “It’s nice to have Dove-Ultimate-Go-Sleeveless or I wouldn’t give a damn.”
I got rid of my scraggly face when my wife gave me a Gillette Sensor Excel instead of a chocolate cake for my birthday. Even Arbuckle applauded.

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If I didn't have a dog or cat ...

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn't sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several furry bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would have money and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

I would not talk 'baby talk.' 'Eat your din din.' 'Yummy yummy for the tummy'...

My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like poop bags, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, O-U-T, G-O, R-I-D-E and C-O-O-K-I-E.

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I'd look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading 'mud' season.

I would not have to answer the question 'Why do you have so many animals?' from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by something as close to an angel as they will ever know.

How EMPTY my life would be!