Spoof Space


It’s time to take inventory

Around New Year’s Eve, whenever my grandfather said, “It’s time to take inventory,” it meant he would go out to the barn and rummage around to see what was left in his “liker” closet. It involved measuring the depth of his remaining “Home Brew” during Prohibition. But after the repeal of the grossly misguided 17th Amendment, it was simply counting the bottles of good ole American produced sour mash bourbon. The 17th Amendment prohibiting the sale, transportation and manufacture of intoxicating liquor ranks just below Obamacare for dictating control of our freedom of choice and the specious invention of plausible lies about how the “people out there” need health care reform to fulfill the best of Obama’s perennial New Year’s resolutions – “If it ain’t broke, let’s fix it so it’s really broke!”

Unfortunately New Year’s resolutions seem to be a part of the feel-good psyche of the American public and give liberal major media an excuse to propagate something besides distortion of the news. But for the slobs like me, like my grandfather’s “time to take inventory” resolutions are a part of our collective need to know if we still have some good stuff left within us. So each year I try to counsel my various animals to see what I can do to improve their lives – to help them become happier critters in the New Year. I concentrate on my Border Collie Arbuckle because he appreciates herding everything – even thoughts.

There have recently been a plethora of amazing articles on dogs ranging from their phobias to their incredible ability to project curative sensitivities that help all sorts of human psychiatric distress. The Wall Street Journal recently published an article that described how many psychiatrists and therapists have come to use “canine assistants” to sense anxieties in patients, to calm and cheer them and to recognize disorders simply through their acute sense of smell. I know Arbuckle, like most dogs, is happiest when he has a job to do. As a Border Collie he has a strong herding instinct, and I’ve actually seen him herd some visitors into a corner of my living room, all the time looking at me for approval and permission to let them loose in the house. Without fail, whenever he herds someone, they turn out to be democrats or lawyers who Arbuckle diagnoses with devious minds devoid of common sense. Another Wall Street Journal article reported specifically on Border Collies who are compulsive herders and the amazing number of people who have bought a bunch of sheep so their Collie could have something to herd.

Since Arbuckle is distantly related to my grandfather, it is natural that he too, on New Year’s Eve, wants “to take inventory” of his favorite subject – politics! He has formed a PAC of Border Collies (BCs) to sniff out hidden liberal proclivities in candidates and legislators. Being genetically gifted to herd and smell, the PAC will identify whether like sheep, politicians are susceptible to having the wool pulled over their eyes on national issues like global warming and Obamacare. Their conclusions will subject them to vilification from the likes of The New York Times and columnist Paul Krugman et al, charging them with partisan vitriol, responsibility for violence and hatred in spite of the fact that dogs have been the most responsible influences on the domestication of the human race throughout the ages. Pay no attention. I can assure you the country will be in good paws.

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Ten best caddie remarks

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#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so, that would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

And the old favorite ... is the one about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole. He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy if he has seen any obvious problems to which the caddy replies, "There's a piece of sh*t on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks his club up and cleans the club face at which point the caddy says, "No, the other end."

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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

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ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
Socialize and spend time with friends. The time is now to write your thoughts down on paper. Ever think of writing a book?

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
You are more philosophical, with renewed energy despite more demands at work – and beginning to appreciate what you have.

Let go of existing memories and make new ones. This is one of those times you feel love and money goes together. Work on one thing at a time.

Social energies are in order and you are busy keeping up with work. You may be more deeply into your own thoughts this week than normal.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Life is not just working day and night, Leo. Don’t be afraid to get back in a relationship. You may be surprised by the outcome.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Although you don’t show it often, your playful side is showing. Light-hearted expression keeps all of your moods in a heightened state.

LIBRA (SEPT.23 – OCT 22)
Keep communication open within relationships. You may receive long overdue compensation from a Taurus. Don’t spend it foolishly.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
This week is all about your home and family. Things get done whether or not you worry about them. Relax or you may become ill.

Spend time reflecting on all the good things in life – especially your home and family. Relax and work on creative things you enjoy.

You may be thinking seriously of a longer-term relationship with someone you really like. Stay focused on important matters; Do not engage with a stubborn person.

You need to rethink your long-range plans. Avoid rash moves or decisions. Keep up your appearance; it’s important to your well being.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
This is the time to nurture your strong intuitive nature. Beware of new ventures with money, even from friends!