Spoof Space


Dogs space out

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Since Arizona passed its Medical Marijuana Act, someone I know real well – me – has been quietly making plans to benefit dogs through a non-profit business called Canine Cannabis Cit Co. (CCCC). It will package legally cultivated chewable medical cannabis and make it available in little kits along with a dog bone, a jar of peanut butter and small bottles of dog shampoo and conditioner.  All this for dogs who must meet the law’s medical marijuana qualifications as patients with “debilitating medical conditions.”

How can I do this? It is only possible through a loophole I’ve uncovered in the law’s description of “patient,” which I will disclose only to dog owners. The definition of patient can be interpreted to include dogs that, like humans, have conditions that meet the law’s allowances for severe and persistent muscle spasms, severe nausea and chronic pain, etc, etc, etc. All of the above can be caused in dogs by the following: inadequate opportunities to exercise their herding instincts (especially present among Border Collies), insufficient canine/human bonding (some dogs), persistent boredom (many dogs), mental frustration watching human stupidity (all dogs), compulsion to perform dog tricks humans think are cute (many dogs), lousy food (some dogs), and compulsory listening to absurd human opinions (all dogs).

Since my dog Arbuckle and I live more than 25 miles from a designated dispensary, we are allowed to cultivate up to 25 marijuana plants. That would limit some growers but we will employ the old communist chandelier trick to increase production. On receiving its annual quota from Moscow to “make six tons of chandeliers,” the factory produced one six ton chandelier and the workers took the rest of the year off. Using good horse manure as fertilizer, our plants will become trees that can produce “six tons” of cannabis each.
I’ve already started Arbuckle on a regimen of the prescribed amount, two and a half ounces, and am happy to report his anxiety has been eliminated. But he has developed some weird preferences. Only eats peanut butter sandwiches. Shampoos his armpits instead of his head. (Never dawned on me dogs have four armpits.) After shampooing, he uses a conditioner which he says makes him slide through the air faster and increases his speed in chasing down Frisbees. He has also entered a talent contest hoping to win by burping The Star Spangled Banner in his act.

It’s tricky, negotiating the Medical Marijuana laws in Arizona and near-by states like California and Nevada, but not half as difficult as trying to understand the Feds’ response, since it’s still against federal law to use, sell or grow cannabis. But like the Attorney General’s treatment of the New Black Panthers who attempted to influence voters at the polls, it’s safe to presume they will look the other way regarding medical marijuana. So it’s encouraging to imagine that all our dog friends may soon replicate California and become fruits, nuts and addicted.

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Wisdom from Will Rogers

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Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

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ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
You’ll have lots of energy and extra enthusiasm this week. It may be a good time to talk to your significant other about your options in the New Year.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
It’s best to stay in the background; any attention for you will have to wait for another time. Your communications are at a high; good for writing or another project.

Meet new friends – maybe at a class you’ve been meaning to take. Humor goes a long way; less is more. Romance may be in the air for you.

A career move may be close, so put into motion all new leads. Take as many opportunities as you have for interviews. Meeting new people may help you network.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Finances improve. You may be starting on a new path which will be very fulfilling. You may have some stressful, aggravating encounters with your mate.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Local travel or short trips may be on the horizon. You may receive surprising news this week. Compromise and cooperate with co-workers.

LIBRA (SEPT.23 – OCT 22)
Things go well at work and home. Someone lets you know how much you’re appreciated. It is time to discuss shared assets with your significant other.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Avoid taking your work home with you where you should try to relax. Your persuasion skills are at a peak and energy is high. Get things done at home.

Be generous with children around you by sharing your time, nurturing and being close. You may be rewarded with a new leadership role at work.

Follow up on new dealings with your home or property. Finances and spending more time with family go hand in hand this week.

You radiate good vibes with people this week; others respond to your upbeat mood. If your birthday falls this week you are happy to celebrate.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Enjoy a deeper appreciation of your colleagues and friends. By the end of the week you feel like getting away from everything so escape to new surroundings.