Spoof Space

steele coddingtonBY STEELE CODDINGTON | NOVEMBER 10, 2010

Do you look like your dog or your spouse?

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After my last article on obsessive compulsive disorders, I’ve had a suspicious response from various people seeking my down-to-earth advice for the lovelorn, the sex starved and even kinky guys who ask me questions that might embarrass their psychiatrists – especially one from Sidney in Australia, which I can answer now: “No Sidney, not with kangaroos, or aborigines. Restrict it to monkeys or tree trunks.” If you, as one of my readers, would like a synopsis on Sidney’s wacko compulsion, send me a self addressed envelope along with an Australian dollar bill.

Wacko? Compulsion? Hell, Sidney is a certified environ-mentalist. But plugging up cows to stop methane gas? Heavens to Betsy are you trying to create gas explosions that will leave cow parts for miles around, raise the oceans and destroy our milk supply? Holy cow, as my mother used to exclaim at inexplicable mysteries that originate in the human brain.

I have to disclose, by the way, that I am not an MD, but my own psychiatrist consults with me regularly on some of his weirder cases. He laughingly responds when I ask, “Why me?” “Takes one to know one,” he smiles. “No,” I point out, “it’s just that I’ve raised four children and half their friends. So having lived through several high school eternities, I have the equivalent education of a tenured professor at Harvard.” Except, I’m not a liberal, Ivy League, east coast idiot who offers unsound, half-assed advice to the government on how to screw up our country. But I digress – though only for the good of the country and edification of impressionable students.

For example, my psychiatrist, who I call Dough-nut Doug (DND) for the experiential holes in his common sense familiarity with real living people ... he asked me what to tell his daughter who just revealed to him that she’s in love with one of her college professors. I said, “Does he pass the most important test of all serious relationships?” “Huh?” he responded. “OK, forget the ‘love’ aspect, because even dummies know that love is blind.
Does she LIKE the guy?” My point being that most loving, long married couples LIKE each other. So DND decides to examine the guy to see if he likes him. “No, you aren’t marrying the guy.” Most fathers initially harbor some antipathy toward men marrying their daughters. That is until the fathers know the man’s character and intentions.

There is a certain self interest most fathers can’t ignore, that daughters are woefully inept at evaluating. For example, does the intended have any obsessive compulsive behavior?
Would he borrow your lawn mower or tools? Is he obsessed with making money? Good! You probably won’t have to support the two of them. People sometimes forget the uniquely American proverb: “When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window.” Will he be rich enough to support you and your wife if you become decrepit old farts? Good! Get them married quickly.

They say the longer two people are married the more like each other they become. The same is true of people and their dogs – owners begin to resemble their dogs. Albert Camus said, “After a certain age a man is responsible for his face!!” Sorry Albert, but after a certain age dogs are responsible for their owners faces. If you don’t own a dog or have a wife, try a monkey or a tree trunk like my friend Sidney. Oh, I didn’t finish that story, did I?
Hee, hee, yikes.

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More clever ideas worth knowing ...

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Reheat Pizza: Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.

Easy Deviled Eggs: Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

Expanding Frosting: When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar and calories per serving.

Reheating refrigerated bread: To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Broken Glass: Use a wet cotton ball or Q-tip t o pick up the small shards of glass you can't see easily.

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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

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ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
The entire month concerns your many different life journeys. You may be involved in intellectual pursuits, philosophic decisions or plans for foreign travel. Expand your horizons – you just have to decide where that horizon will be.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Emphasis this month is on salvaging something – perhaps things around your home, joint money or some kind of financial business. Creative efforts around the house need to be addressed to improve the situation.

Concentrate on your future; be aware of how important it is to get your home in order. Make putting yourself first a long range priority. You’re becoming restless and need some excitement.

Take care of your physical well-being: start a new program of diet and nutrition. You will feel better and keep yourself going through the days ahead. Beware of co-workers talking gossip. weekend for entertaining.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Your time this week is about romantic attachments and investigating new approaches to keeping ahead of the game. You may need a little fun on your end; just don’t overspend your budget. Stay focused on surviving the times ahead.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Restlessness and slight stress are yours to deal with this week. An old health issue may pop up so be aware of changes in your body this week. Use your good judgment and patience with the important people in your life.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Don’t jump to premature conclusions this week. Work to accept changes in your life and embrace new ideas and ways. Make time to do some early shopping and get the bargains if you can.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
When complications arise in your life, don’t fret. Try to strike a balance anywhere you can. Be as supportive as is humanly possible to your significant other, they may need you to be there for them.

Although it is very difficult, it is time to assess your habits at home; go through old stuff, toss what you can part with and downsize. A friend, relative or neighbor may need support or a kind ear to listen to their woes.

Capricorns may hit a rough patch this week. Face what’s happening to you realistically. Beware of health issues. Watch out for people who do not support your best interests.

Aquarians, let people know your objectives. Try to recognize some of your faults and correct them in the process. On the weekend don’t take things too personally,

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
If you are in a relationship and it feels strained, it could be you are “giving” more than receiving. Redefine your relationship roles and communicate more. If things are getting off key focus more on your job.