The sinking of the SS United States
“Captain Obama, wake up!” yelled First Officer Rahm Emanuel as he frantically banged his fist on the captain’s cabin door. “There’s been an explosion in the engine room and we’re taking water.”
Opening the door in his J. Crew silk pajamas while lighting a cigarette, Captain Obama calmly asked, “How serious is the damage?”
“Extremely serious,” answered Emanuel. “According to Chief Engineer Bernanke, we will sink in two hours if we keep taking water at this rate.”
“Have you alerted Second Officer Keynes?” asked Captain Obama while he rolled ball bearings between his fingers.
“Yes, sir. He says to open the flood valves in the bow so that the stern rises out of the water. That should stop water from coming into the engine room and enable us to recover in short order.”
“And what does Second Officer Marx say?”
“He says to tell the third-class passengers that they can take the money and jewelry of the first-class passengers and help themselves to all the food and drinks in the dining room,” answered First Officer Emanuel. “He also says to round up all of the sailors and officers who know how to run the ship and throw them in the brig.”
A smile came over the captain’s face. “Never waste a crisis, eh, comrade.”
“That’s right,” said First Officer Emanuel with a nod.
Captain Obama continued: “In case Keynes’ fix doesn’t work, I want you to use racial preferences in issuing lifejackets and assigning lifeboats. Blacks and non-white Hispanics get to be first in line, and whites, last in line.”
“What about white Hispanics of European ancestry?” asked Emanuel.
“The hell with them. I’m tired of pretending that they are minorities who deserve to cut in line solely because of their Spanish surname. Only those Hispanics who have some Native American blood or black blood should get preferences. Let me make it easy for you: Brown, black, and beige are good; white is bad. Profile passengers this way and everything will be okay.”
“What about Asians?” asked Emanuel.
“Let ‘em swim,” said the captain. “That’ll teach them that they shouldn’t have shown that minorities can be successful without our help.”
“Captain, I…uh…uh…have to ask you about Jews,” gulped Emanuel. “You do know that my full name is Rahm Israel Emanuel.”
“Sorry, but you’ll have to hang on to hope and change and fend for yourself. My launch is being lowered into the water as we speak, and I’ve already invited the ship’s chaplain, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, to join me. You know that he doesn’t get along with your kind.”
“But…but…my people were instrumental in getting you named Captain,” pleaded Emanuel.
“Thus proving that high IQ is not synonymous with wisdom,” retorted Captain Obama.
“In any event, you don’t have to worry, for I love the SS United States and don’t want it to sink,” said Captain Obama with a toothy grin and wink. “Bon voyage!”
Mencken’s Ghost | E-mail
Dean Martin, ad nauseum
I read with interest the Editorial, My View/Governor Forum, regarding the differences between Mr. Martin and Ms. Brewer. Frankly, it is hard to tell them apart. They are both keen to place their belief wherever they feel a vote may be gained. Mr. Martin was an interesting figure at Republican District 8 meetings. He, of course, would glad hand and agree with any thought brought up. He used his wife to generate interest in his career, and most recently even her and their child’s untimely passing he has attempted to use to his advantage. (Note: Interviews in The Arizona Republic, Sonoran News, Scottsdale Times etc. were given highlighting his future career path, and need to 'press on' all at an inappropriate timeframe after these deaths). His attacks on photo enforcement became a joke when he announced that his Phoenix constituents were being 'inconvenienced'. No, Mr. Sorchych, he not only looks like a choirboy, but has the same intellect and maturity level. Not governor material in any way.
Ms. Brewer is only a hair more acceptable. Her performance at District 8 meetings showed someone not in touch, and limited by her intellect and lack of education. She was compared by some in the same negative light as now former Mayor Manross of Scottsdale. A real loser in every way.
Unfortunately, the end result will be a vote for Brewer, while placing that vote with one hand and holding my nose with the other.
Steve Lowen | E-mail
There's no place like home
While I've only had a Cave Creek address for a few months I can't imagine living in any other place. It is home to the friendliest people in the Valley. From the restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations to the post office I am welcomed with a smile and a friendly word and not just from the merchants. Strangers start conversations in parking lots and grocery lines. People up here make eye contact.
I met a World War II Veteran in Fry's the other day and he shared with me his experience of joining the military at sixteen and needing his parents' permission. He finished boot camp and was stationed at Pearl Harbor two days before the attack. He had just turned seventeen. With tears in his eyes he told me that he was one of very many who had the task of removing human remains from the water. I won't go into the details except to say that this ordinary young man found himself performing an extraordinary duty.
He went on to tell me that he was preparing to celebrate his oldest son's 65th birthday this week. I thanked him for his service to our country and he thanked me for the conversation.
He had approached me and commented that I was frowning at a box of brownie mix and that brownies should make you smile. We didn't share names but we shared a hug in the baking aisle at the grocery store. It was ten or so minutes that I will never forget.
To me, he is the epitome of Cave Creek; wonderfully aged, soft-spoken but rugged, proud, and quick to greet a stranger with a smile. I feel blessed to live and work in this amazing community.
There's no place like Cave Creek!
Linda Christensen | Cave Creek
Marijuana murders in Hollywood
I tried to post this in the Sacramento Bee but I am having a hard time even getting my comments posted in these pro corporate newspapers; especially now that the medical marijuana research results are pouring in from the Universities on the impaired marijuana driving myths that have been relied on for decades and the suppressed research on Marijuana as a cancer cell killer. These folks have a lot of explaining to do and I doubt they will be using their newspapers and television programs to do it. Please resend my comments to this paper with a request for an explanation and an interview. I would like an opportunity to express my views on these murders.
Our Government and the Corporations that have sponsored them and the U.S. Media for so long need to hear from U.S. Hemp. These people are in a very precarious predicament and could use a push in the right direction. These entities are finally being exposed as the protectors of the cancer and car crash and synthetic pill pushing industries that are suffering from a lack of accountability and are desperately waiting for their powers to shield themselves from responsibility instead of simply coming clean. Please contact the Sacramento Bee and ask them to please re-post my comments regarding the murders of those unfortunate kids that were needlessly killed in this ongoing drug war that is raging on our streets.
Arlin Troutt | U.S. Hemp
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.
Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.
And that's why California is broke.
C. McClellan | E-mail
If a wildfire threatens
What to do to protect your home, yourself and your family if a wildfire threatens Carefree and Cave Creek during this summer's wildfire season. Preparing your home, and evacuating your property can be a daunting task, during a confusing time. The following steps are recommended by FEMA in the publication ARE YOU READY? AN IN DEPTH GUIDE TO CITIZEN PREPAREDNESS (IS-22).
First off, if you see a wildfire, call 9-1-1. Don't assume that someone else has already called. Describe the location of the fire, speak slowly and clearly, and answer any questions asked by the dispatcher.
Before the Fire Approaches Your House
- Evacuate. Evacuate your pets and all family members who are not essential to preparing the home. Anyone with medical or physical limitations and the young and the elderly should be evacuated immediately.
- Wear protective clothing. Even in the heat of our summer, wear long pants, a long sleeve cotton shirt, and boots if possible.
- Remove combustibles. Clear items that will burn from around the house, including wood piles, lawn furniture, barbecue grills, tarp coverings, etc. Move them outside of your defensible space.
- Close/Protect openings. Close outside attic, eaves and basement vents, windows, doors, pet doors, etc. Remove flammable drapes and curtains. Close all shutters, blinds or heavy non-combustible window coverings to reduce radiant heat.
- Close inside doors/Open damper. Close all doors inside the house to prevent draft. Open the damper on your fireplace, but close the fireplace screen.
- Shut off gas. Shut off any natural gas, propane or fuel oil supplies at the source.
- Water. Connect garden hoses.
- Pumps. If you have gas-powered pumps for water, make sure they are fueled and ready to operate.
- Ladder. If you have a ladder that will reach the roof line, place it against the house in clear view.
- Car. Back your car into the driveway and roll up the windows.
- Garage doors. Disconnect any automatic garage door openers so that the door can still be opened by hand if the power goes out. Close all garage doors.
- Valuables. Place valuable papers, mementos, and anything "you can't live without" inside the car, ready for quick departure.
PREPARING TO LEAVE
- Lights. Turn on outside lights and leave a light on in every room to make the house more visible in heavy smoke.
- Don't lock up. Leave doors and windows closed but unlocked. It may be necessary for firefighters to gain quick entry into your home to fight fire. The entire area will be isolated and patrolled by sheriff's deputies.
- Leave. Leave when directed by authorities. Follow recommended evacuation routes and do not return until directed to do so.
If any citizen has a question regarding evacuation procedures in the event of a large-scale wildfire event, please contact your local fire station.
John Kraetz | Fire Chief | Carefree/Cave Creek
McCain is part of the problem, not the solution!
As a Republican, I refused to vote for McCain or Obama for president.
I cast my vote for Ralph Nader in protest. McCain told the people that nothing bad will happen if Obama got elected and now he is crying the blues to me in e-mail after e-mail.
McCain had his chance to save America from the take over by Obama and friends. He should give it up and retire.
Ultimately McCain was part of the problem that lead up to our current financial crisis. Barry Goldwater he is not.
Joseph DuPont | Towanda, Pennsylvania
Ye of little faith
In the wake of Rolling Stone’s article on General Stanley McChrystal critical comments regarding the Obama Administration and his advisors, the President has fired his top military commander in Afghanistan and replaced him with General David Petraeus.
While General McChrystal and his top aides made a serious lapse in judgment, it underscores the inability of the President and Commander-in-Chief to deal with the problems in Afghanistan and his foreign policy agenda which seems to be apologize first and ask questions later.
“Apparently the President’s lack of credibility in dealing with the problems at home has spread to those protecting our nation’s interests abroad,” said Arizona Republican Party Chairman Randy Pullen. “It’s pretty clear that this President has put our troops in an unwinnable situation, and our military personnel have little faith his administration’s ability to fully grasp the situation.”
“Time after time we watch our teleprompter President make decisions as if he is running political precincts in Chicago, not doing what’s right for our country,” said the Chairman. “American’s are tired of his endless photo-op’s and campaign rhetoric. Staggering debt and unemployment. A disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Backroom political deals. When do we get to see all this change he was talking about? It just looks like more of the same to me.”
Arizona Republican Party | Phoenix
Graham County Sheriff P.J. Allred endorses Andrew Thomas for AZ Attorney General
Yet another Arizona Sheriff has endorsed Former Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas in the race for
Arizona Attorney General. Graham County Sheriff Preston "P.J."
Allred announced his endorsement earlier today. Thomas is known for his tough on crime policies which are very much in line with Sheriff Allred.
"Andrew Thomas understands the battle against crime that Southern Arizona is facing. He helped reduce crime and illegal immigration in Maricopa County and I have every confidence he can help us do this in Graham County and at a statewide level too," Allred said.
Thomas has also been endorsed by notable Arizona law enforcement leaders including Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Yavapai County Sheriff Steve Waugh, Mohave County Attorney Matthew Smith, Mohave County Sheriff Tom Sheahan, Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu, Cochise County Sheriff Larry Dever, Phoenix Law Enforcement Association, Arizona Police Association and former Arizona Attorney General and NRA President Bob Corbin. Former Arizona State Senator Jonathan Paton and Arizona Right to Life endorsed Thomas as well.
During Thomas' time in office, crime rates plummeted. The 19 percent drop is more than twice the national rate of decline, in despite of an 11 percent increase in the county's population during that time. The illegal immigrant population has dropped by anywhere from 18 percent (Dept. of Homeland Security estimate) to 30 percent (Center for Immigration Studies estimate). Like the fall in crime rates, this dramatic decline in illegal immigration is far greater than the average in the rest of the nation.
Thomas has a track record of successfully defending illegal immigration crackdowns in our courts, including his successful efforts to prosecute illegal immigrants for conspiring to violate the state's human-smuggling law and to defend Prop 200's voter ID requirements and the employer-sanctions law, which he defended along with the Attorney General's Office.
If elected Attorney General Thomas has pledged to expand that office's prosecutions of illegal immigrants under the state's human smuggling laws. The office is not currently pursuing such prosecutions.
Thomas is married with four children. He is a graduate of Harvard Law School. Prior to serving as Maricopa County Attorney, Thomas served as an assistant attorney general for Arizona, deputy counsel and criminal justice policy advisor to the Governor, special assistant to the Director of the Arizona Department of Corrections, and a deputy county attorney.
Bill Heart and the Morrison Institute
The extreme far left Morrison Institute for Public Policy at ASU is rolling out their deceptive PR campaign against the border fence. Bill Heart wrote a recent opinion: “Fence fixation doesn't solve problem” in the Arizona Republic. He makes the wild ascertain that a border fence is useless. This lopsided and illogical claim is predicated on the assumption that people abandon their own logic and common sense and venture into joining him in complete situational unawareness Of course fences and walls work! Ask any property owner. Walls and fences work for the Arizona Country Club, ASU Sun Devil Stadium, schools, prisons, and even Disneyland. As Mexico becomes more destabilized every day, the border fence becomes an issue of escalating importance.
A wall is a profound statement, a physical barrier presenting an obstruction. The Morrison Institute for Public Policy wants to persuade people to forsake their instinctive perception of knowing right from wrong. In this case Mr. Heart and the Morrison Institute are dead wrong.
We need the fence. If the Chinese could build their wall 4,000 years ago, we can build ours now.
Bill Crawford | Scottsdale
Is it now normal to be abnormal?
Recently, I listened as a teenage girl talked about her boyfriend’s professionally diagnosed emotional disorders. What surprised me was that she spoke of these disorders as if they were status symbols.
I don’t want to insinuate that anyone with an emotional disorder should be ashamed. But, emotional disorders don’t equal bragging rights either. Emotional and mental disorders can certainly be a burden to bear.
My colleagues and I have discussed often that there seems to be more mental and emotional illnesses today than ever before. This is our personal observation. I do not know of any research done on the increase of mental illness to prove that we are right or wrong.
Supposing we are right, the question would then be "why?" I would like to suggest three contributing factors:
1. The dropping of traditional morals. In the 1960s, my generation began to dump the old traditional moral system. The results have been devastating. In 42 years of pastoral counseling, I have seen that those who believe and practice old fashion morals are generally more balanced emotionally.
2. The decline of the family unit. This is probably the biggest factor. Multitudes of studies have been done proving that those who grow up in a stable family with both mother and father are mentally and emotionally leaps and bounds ahead of those who do not.
3. A media and technology system that provides unceasing activity and demands for instant gratification. Peace and quiet are so unusual today, that when they occur, some people can’t handle it. Constant stimuli is the norm. Has anyone researched the possibility of Attention Deficit Disorder being induced by technology?
Following the norms of society is often called being part of the "rat race" which may end in a "rat trap."
Steve Casey | Stonewall, Louisiana
I would like to personally invite you to our 25th annual Gun Rights Policy Conference (GRPC), which will be taking place Sept. 24, 25, and 26, 2010 in San Francisco, Calif. at the Hyatt Regency San Francisco Airport hotel.
With the new battles over individual rights in the age of terrorism, attacks on our gun rights from the UN as well as a number of Second Amendment cases in the courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court McDonald decision. The theme of Saving Freedom is most important as we set the pro-gun rights agenda for the year to come.
This year GRPC will be action-packed. With over 50 speakers hand-picked from the leadership of the Gun Rights Movement, the topics to be presented promise to have an impact that will help direct the path of our cause for years to come. Invited speakers this year include: myself, Joe Tartaro, Wayne LaPierre, Alan Gura, Otis McDonald, Gene Hoffman, John Lott, Massad Ayoob, David Kopel, John Snyder, as well as staff from the Second Amendment Foundation, Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms, National Rifle Association, National Shooting Sports Foundation, KeepAndBearArms.com, and Gun Owners of America. A number of elected political leaders have been invited as well.
As in the past, the Second Amendment Foundation will not only pick up the tab for lunch and snacks, but will also provide more than $125 worth of vital pro-gun rights materials to each attendee.
In addition to the luncheon and free materials, you will have the opportunity to chat with the speakers at the two evening NSSF and NRA planned receptions.
This event is so important to our cause, that the SAF Board of Trustees has elected to help underwrite the entire cost of the event. Your cost to attend this event is absolutely free!
Because of the number of people who travel every year to attend this event, I have negotiated a special discount room rate for GRPC attendees. Reservations for the special discounted room rate of $109 per night can be made by calling 1-800-233-1234, and telling them you are planning on attending the Gun Rights Policy Conference (GRPC) sponsored by the Second Amendment Foundation.
If you have any questions, please call the SAF office at 425-454-7012 to register. You can also register online at our GRPC Registration & Information Page, or send an e-mail to email@example.com, or fax us at 425-451-3959.
Alan M. Gottlieb | Founder | Second Amendment Foundation
The latest in all the papers is that this administration is planning to sue the state of Arizona concerning the recent immigration law 1070.
Additionally they also want to overturn a federal judge's decision to overturn the moratorium of off shore drilling. Why should any to this surprise anyone? Take a look at the Democratic Party. Just look at what America has elected.
The Democratic Party has become the Lawyer's Party.
Barack Obama is a lawyer.
Michelle Obama is a lawyer.
Hillary Clinton is a lawyer.
Bill Clinton is a lawyer.
John Edwards is a lawyer.
Elizabeth Edwards is a lawyer.
Every Democrat nominee since 1984 went to law school (although Gore did not graduate). Every Democrat vice presidential nominee since 1976, except for Lloyd Bentsen, went to law school.
Look at leaders of the Democrat Party in Congress:
Harry Reid is a lawyer.
Nancy Pelosi is a lawyer.
Do you wonder why the American public is considering term limits for congressmen.
Name withheld by request