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steele coddington's spoof space

National Horse Burp Week ...

My charming and lovely wife said she had a feeling this article might only appeal to animal lovers. Particularly horse lovers, who, by virtue of their unique exposure to the down and dirty side of the care and feeding of large uncultured animals, are able to appreciate that despite their intrinsic beauty, they have some pretty gross personal habits. I mean, gee, “couth” isn’t exactly the perfect-fit word for shoveling horse manure, even if it’s good for the soul. Horses aren’t for the faint of heart. But as the saying goes, their outside is good for the inside of a man, or woman, which is something you can’t say about a pet lizard or a parrot, even if you’ve taught it out of spite for your ugly neighbor, to yell loudly, really neat four letter words you aren’t allowed by your family to use in the house, or even in the john.

The strange thing is that no matter how compelling any subject is to write about, nothing quite captures the interest of readers like animals. Even if a news story is about a human, the reason it’s interesting is because the homo sapiens it’s about either looks like an animal, dresses like one, acts like one, smells like one, talks like one or for sure, either lives like one or lives with one. Take for example my Uncle Morgan. He’s a human, but he burps like my horse Queenie. As he should be, he’s proud of one of the few accomplishments in his life at which he excels. Thus, illustrating my point that a particular talent in a human, enabling him to emulate the same faculty in a horse, does provide some perverted sense of interest – though coupled quite reasonably with a strong inclination for avoidance.

As a dinner companion, I’d prefer even a distant relative from New Jersey, or some other disgusting in-law with reasonable conversational skills as long as the subject isn’t about the idiots in Washington who confuse governing with institutionalizing corruption. While I’m on the subject, from a mental healthcare stand point, a large glass of Maker’s Mark medicinal bourbon prior to dinner is the only anesthetic that helps your tolerance reach a level where you don’t any longer give a damn if a relative or anyone else burps at the table. It’s easy to rationalize the subject by remembering that the Japanese show their appreciation for hospitality by politely belching. So, in the ultimate scheme of cultural enlightenment, even my horse Queenie could be considered charming at the dinner table.

Uhh – no, after sober reconsideration, “charming” in reference to Queenie at the dinner table might be a reckless hyperbole because quite frankly I’ve witnessed some of her more un-ladylike idiosyncrasies that could challenge a Guinness World Record for grossness. As a matter of fact, she’s quite famous in the barn yard where after one of her record breaking flatulations all the other animals praise her by breaking out into her favorite song, “Queenie, Queenie, champion methane machinie.” It’s quite stirring. But that’s enough on one animal for today. I just wanted to recognize Queenie because next week is National Horse Burp Week and – that’s not even her strong suit. So here’s to Queenie, burp, “be a winner, not a whinnyer.”

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Word meanings – A supplement to Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle
Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
And last, but not least ...
Wrinkles: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

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Your Horoscope by Madame Bournard

ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
New ideas lead to a healthier lifestyle. Take things a little slower. Be careful! Your stubbornness may cause an accident around the house.

TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Enjoy a shopping trip; you need to relax. Try to work in the garden or finish an in-process project around the house. Keep in touch with your closest relatives.

You know what you want and people around you admire your directness. It is a good week for dreaming and practical planning. Try not to be too aggressive with others.

It is a good week to deal with friends at work or socially. You have romantic possibilities coming into your life. Get outdoors and enjoy nature.

LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Make practical decisions, especially with respect to your career. Firm up new travel plans. If you keep responsibility in the forefront, you may have new opportunities.

VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
Self-reliant efforts prove your independence at work. You will benefit sooner or later. Be patient. You may have some good financial news ahead.

LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Haste does not work well for you this week; try your best not to make too many expensive purchases. If you’re aggravated about something, delve into a home project.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Some people you are dealing with at work may be aggravating or unreliable. Watch your tongue; don’t blurt out anything you will be sorry for.

You may have trip-ups, some may be dragging their feet, and in doing so, slowing your productivity. Don’t let your attitude suffer; find something fun to do on the weekend.

Plan something with younger members of your family or something outside of your home dealing with children’s welfare. Projects you finished around the house show your ingenuity.

Make sure everything is square around your home, don’t leave any stones unturned. It may be time for an in-depth conversation with your significant other.

PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
This week may be a bit frustrating for you. Allow yourself and others to catch up. Be careful not to step on anyone’s toes. Try to avoid any arguments.