SpoofSpace
Revealing the inner you
by Steele Coddington | March 31, 2010
Car manufacturers study human personality in scientific detail to discover what makes someone buy a particular model. Their latest findings show that most males buying a car use an intellectual rationale that involves their particular body size, their opinion of whether other people will think of them as a wimp, a wuss or a stud. And the sound the doors make when they’re slammed shut. All that ritual is followed by circling the car seven or eight times like a predatory animal and then kicking the front tires. Women, on the other hand, are much more rational. They decide carefully, based on the car’s color, how easy it is to control and how it smells. Most marriage counselors agree that the last two reasons are the same criteria used by many women to pick a husband and explains the escalating divorce rate in Blue states of the U.S.It’s amazing what humans and some bird species reveal about themselves with body movements such as simple gestures, eye movements, voice tone and pulling on the left ear. Blinking eyes excessively is usually a sincere affirmation that follows a patently phony, “I love you,” “Believe me,” or “I’m telling you the honest truth.” Lots of politicians blink excessively and if they use a teleprompter, it’s a sign they are telling you a whopper that will either increase your taxes or fatten up their reelection campaign fund.
Fluttering eyelids are a sort of effeminate version of blinking eyelids, unless a bug flew in one or the other. Quite often however, fluttering is a distraction to buy time so the flutterer can think up a good lie or pretend they have athletes foot so they can shift positions. Usually a flutter is accompanied by a rubbing of the eye with an index finger or a middle finger. If it’s the middle finger, it’s a subconscious indication that they will express road rage even if they are totally at fault. For example, Congressman Barney Frank may exemplify what is clinically diagnosed as a prevaricationally induced response syndrome while answering questions on TV interviews – like denying the housing crisis was caused by the federal government, then fluttering his eyelids.
Another really good indicator of who-you-really-are is how you go about meeting people. Do you smile? It is very difficult to smile these days unless you are a member of the National Socialist Party or belong to a nudist colony.
Choosing nudity over socialism shows character and confirms your preference to work harder than government recipients of entitlements, and your dislike for clothing and the nanny state. I learned some tips about becoming a nudist while doing a story for the Australian magazine, In the Buff Down Under. First, try not to shake hands with another nudie, just nod and try like hell to look up in the sky. Or wear sun glasses and do whatever you want with your eyes. Another tip – if you go on a group hike up a hill, be sure to lead the column of hikers so your view of scenery is not obstructed. Never make snide remarks about hairy people, wrinkles or nude banjo players. And remember, there’s nothing wrong with the real you if you don’t take off your clothes. It’s safer to bare your soul than your body if someone around you has a camera or a cell phone to facilitate putting you on their blackberry for blackmail.
Snippets from children
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too."
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.
Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.
"In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends, and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged ..."In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
"No, no, no!" she screamed.
"Lizzie!" scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior."
With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!"
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, "Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?"
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer."
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, "That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?"
Blank stares.
"Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton."
An eight-year-old girl perked up ... "How long was he missing?"
Horoscope by Madame Bournard
ARIES (MAR. 21 - APRIL 19)
You may encounter differences of opinion this week. A selfish approach to things will not work. Check out some real estate.
TAURUS (APR. 20 – MAY 20)
Avoid gossip and criticism; you need to be a lot more carefree and laid-back. It will be best for your health and future. Not everything in life will go your way.
GEMINI (MAY 21 –JUNE 20)
New career directions may come your way, whether or not you explore them remains to be seen. The Full Moon brings excitement and fun on your social scene.
CANCER (JUN 21 – JULY 22)
Your domestic environment lights up with the Full Moon, so enjoy being creative and romantic. It’s a good time to rework your budget too.
LEO (JULY 23- SEPT. 22)
Some negotiations don’t go as planned; you may want to put them off and wait for a better time. Some relationship modes may be a bit hairy; don’t think only of yourself.
VIRGO (AUG. 23 –AUG 22)
You get some extra ambition and drive from the Full Moon this week and it’s a good thing because there is plenty to do lately. Go out on the weekend, enjoy.
LIBRA (SEPT. 24- OCT.23)
Since there is not a lot going on in your life this week, maybe you should actually try to relax and self-indulge. Enjoy some good music and watch one of your favorite movies.
SCORPIO (OCT. 23- NOV. 21)
Some things that are unknown to you may come to light this week and give you new insight. Don’t dwell on things that don’t work out or won’t happen.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22- DEC. 21)
You’re in the spotlight this week, even though you are not really relishing it. Some demands placed on you don’t sit right; try to grin and bear it.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22- JAN 19)
Put the brakes on spending; you will be glad you did. Some news from far away may reach your home, with a surprise to boot.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20- FEB. 18)
Put your ambitions out there; you may find new life possibilities or challenges. Stay sharp and try not to take things too seriously.
PISCES (FEB. 19- MAR. 20)
Your place of business could have too many chiefs and not enough Indians. Try to take one person at a time and weed through and make the right decision.
