Mullet Over

Humor ... hard to find these days

by Steele Coddington | November 25, 2009

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steele coddingtonHomo sapiens – that’s we the people – a species of bipedal primates characterized with, among other weird things, a brain capacity averaging 1400 cc’s (85 cubic in.) that unfortunately rarely measures up to its capacity to recognize the humor present in all the crazy things humans are capable of doing. Hell, even psychiatrists studying us nuts don’t have a sense of humor. They think all the crazy things we do are just serious phobias. If they had a sense of humor, they’d realize that anyone who doesn’t is of questionable sanity.

Based on my own scholarly research on the Internet, most perverts don’t have a sense of humor. That’s largely why they’re diagnosed as perverts. Even worse, my old Auntie Gertrude, on my mother’s side, used to gleefully pretend she was a naughty old girl by referring to people without a sense of humor as horses’ asses (HAs).

So if you don’t have a sense of humor, to avoid anyone labeling you a HA, pretend that you do and have a few witty or humorous comments memorized to fit any particular conversational situation you may run into. Just throw your comments out there and no one will think of you as a pervert, psychiatrist, Islamic terrorist or a horse’s patootie.

There are all kinds of places to find humor. Someone recently sent me an e-mail listing some of the Teachings from Zen. Like a lot of trash on the web, they are probably as fraudulent as Obama healthcare, but can be used similarly by HAs to fake a sense of humor. Here are some examples:

Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of water with two feet.

No one is listening until you flatulate.

Jokes or puns are good indicators of a sense of humor.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One says to the other, “Dam.”

A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant says, “Sorry, only one carrion per passenger.”

Or get a job that encourages you to come up with funny conclusions. I have just been offered a job as a writer of fortunes for a fortune cookie company in San Francisco, land of the bankrupt fruits and nuts. It is the opportunity of a life time for a weirdo with a sense of humor. I inherited mine from a great-great-grandmother who was Chinese. Here are some of the ones you may find in a fortune cookie next time you eat in any oriental restaurant:

Some time pain good if lesson learned.

Never trust legislator with money or soon gone.

Liberals eat strange food. Affect brain.

Spend money wisely or go without.

Taxing rich is poor man’s folly.

When man proclaims his integrity or woman her virtue, is wise to ignore former and cultivate latter.

Another source is Sigmund Freud who did a psychiatric study on humor and wit. He provided many examples of what were considered wit – a prime example using “double meaning and play of words” was this humor: A famous tenor was once asked why he forever sang one particular song. “Because it haunts me,” he said. “No wonder,” replied the questioner, “you are continually murdering it.”

Freud however, proved he was not a HA. He was the first psychiatrist to enclose his recommendation for sexual dysfunction in a fortune cookie – “If Freudian analysis not successful, try Viagra.”

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Cowboy rules Part 1

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Cowboy rules for Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Idaho, Oregon, Washington and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40 and I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-15 and I-5 go north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

True Westerners are friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!