Inside the Chicago White House

by Steele Coddington | November 11, 2009

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steele coddingtonA friend of mine was peddling what he called an exclusive inside look at the White House tape, for 50 cents. He said the tape contained secret meeting conversations in the Oval Office obtained by former KGB computer listening devices authorized by Putin – which explains the high price. Apparently the tapes were stolen either by double agents in the CIA or some other group guilty of torturing terrorists. The tapes were obtained using invisible electromagnetic infra-red resonance chips that recorded conversations between occupants identified by voice imaging. They revealed top secret exchanges between individuals with Chicago accents plotting in the White House. Here are some of the exchanges:

“We need to get more of our special people into critical areas of government who are good at making up heart-rending stories, have admiration for Mao and know how to manipulate numbers so we can sell our programs more easily. Could we put my old buddy Sol Alinsky in as Secretary of Labor?’

“We can’t sir, he’s dead!”

“Saul’s dead? Did anyone go to his funeral?”

“Well, he died back in 1972, but we had 2,000 members of ACORN do a community organization as a remembrance wake in Chicago. They also chanted songs asking for continuance of government hand-outs to loyal liars and other objectionable people.”

“Good. What will they use the hand-outs for?”

“The same ole, same old, Obama tee shirts, booze, cigarettes, tattoos, cash for clunkers exchange and cell phones so they can talk to each other about important issues while driving their new cars.”

“Well, I’m sorry about Saul. Can’t we find someone else who can memorize catchy phrases for bumper stickers, is rich and loves Mao? … someone who can drop a good chunk of change into election campaigns for congressmen who waiver on our idiotic issues?”

“Yes sir. How about Barbra Streisand? It’s always good to have another liberal moron from Hollywood, whose ideas of compassion include hugging trees and support for any program that costs outrageous sums of money, sounds egalitarian, with perks that include a large staff and four pictures of Obama, if they agree to use fuzzy math and get misty eyed over global warming.”

“Great! Speaking of global warming, how is Al’s scam on that issue coming along? We can promote his Nobel Award even if it’s useless, as long as we mention it after giving preference to my Nobel and the Community Organizer Man-of the Year Award.”

“Well sir, we can embellish his awards . . . we’ll make sure we can get him an SPCA Citizen of the World for rescuing polar bears floating around on ice cubes. He’s also making money manufacturing life vests for polar bears in case the ice cubes they’re on melt beneath their paws.”

“Wonderful! I could use a life vest myself after the New Jersey and Virginia elections. And one more thing – then we can adjourn so I can go to New York to see a play about our revolution – Les Miserables. Have Charlie Rangel over here so we can put him in charge of an American Oil for School Lunch Program. Tell him to contact former UN Secretary General Kofi Annon’s son to see if he can manipulate our shale oil fields in Montana after we nationalize Exxon Mobile and Chevron.”

“Great meeting sir. Just like the old days in Chicago.”

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Mensa awards

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The Washington Post's Mensa invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.