New Banzai toilet package

By Steele Coddington | July 15, 2009

steeleAccording to Global Toilets Magazine, published in Japan, home of the most progressive toilet technology in the world, there is still social inhibition there about discussing the commode and its use in public. As an aside, for the benefit of the 85 percent of the students in Arizona who flunked a basics civics test, commode is another word for toilet. While 40 percent of the students taking the test were able to identify George Washington as our first President, only 12 percent were able to correctly answer whether President Washington was able to use a flush commode in the White House.

Unlike in Japan, the word toilet in the U.S. holds a respected seat in every day conversation – usually referring to Congressional spending – as in “down the toilet” – or questioning whether the administration is intent on flushing capitalism down the sewer under the guise of change and redistribution. Liberals in government are slow to learn, but if they’d observe Japan’s industrial revolution in toiletry, they’d recognize the most exciting potential stimulus that can end the housing recession and focus on it instead of windmills. What government and Wall Street have failed to grasp is the new dynamic in architecture that signifies a major cultural change.

Houses will soon be built around the loo. The new home centerpiece is – la toilette! – as they are proud to say in France while sipping a Bordeaux. The kitchen used to be the singular focus of U.S. home design, but now it is a second fiddle ambience, in part because of NOW, but mostly due to the universal acceptance of prepackaged frozen dinners that require only a micro wave oven. Who the hell needs a gourmet kitchen anymore? With the advent of the women’s movement and NOW, kitchens have become symbols of female slavery and oppression. Good cooks are foes of feminism and need to get out of the kitchen. But at the same time NAG’s or NOW’s leaders are compelled to look in the mirror and recognize the need to market their propaganda by improving their looks and image and feelings. They said, at thousands of protests, “Give me a boudoir-loo combination,” – boudoir originally meaning, “a place where women can sulk.” With the addition of a loo they can sulk while sitting on the appropriate throne.

The Japanese have seen this trend and combined that understanding with the conviction the U.S. will socialize medicine, and have said “Bingo.” Already the developers of the most unique toiletry for years – cushioned seats, bidets (again, for civics test failers – a bidet is a reverse shower that starts from down there and sprays up here), controlled warm water rinse, hand washing sinks on top of the toilet tank using the grey water to flush, automatic flush control, etc. etc. they see a boom in bathrooms with enhanced facilities.

The newest bathroom wrinkle designed especially for U.S. consumers, known as the Banzai Bath No.2, will include fully sanitized capability, operating room lighting, anesthetizing sprays, pull out operating gurneys and ceiling mirrors, with direct phone lines to foreign MDs so you can operate on yourself after a socialized medicine bureaucrat rejects you for treatment. The package will also include a special upgrade for members of Congress who voted for National Healthcare, which provides a one-way airline ticket to Canada for a brain transplant.

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A simple analogy

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that socialism worked: no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.

The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the third test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

It could not be any simpler than that.