More gas than sense from Washington

April 9, 2009

My new next door neighbor lives in Arizona because she loves the heat. Mrs. B, who came here from Alaska, knows cold and wants no more of it, ever! As an ex-Alaskan she considers herself an expert on all things cold – igloos, Eskimos, ice, snow, glaciers and global warming. “It may be warming somewhere, but it sure as hell ain’t Alaska,” she declares. Her appreciation of the heat influences even her choice of basketball teams. After the Phoenix Suns, it’s the Miami Heat.

At 85, Mrs. B’s passion for the sun and warmth is a consequence of a life spent in the frigid wilderness called Alaska. It’s getting so cold up there, male Eskimos have started sleeping with penguins. Not for sex. For warmth. “No, it’s not a penguin perversion,” she says, “it’s survival. Penguins exude more heat than Eskimo wives who usually sleep wrapped in foot thick seal skin clothes and mukluk boots.” It’s tough on guys because penguins have really bad fish breath. But so far, penguins haven’t expressed resentment with the Eskimo’s blubber breath. Fortunately, thanks to the aurora borealis, nights aren’t too long in Alaska, which is also why most Eskimos are always so tired.

Mrs. B has been an avid student of writer, philosopher Ayn Rand, whose thoughts and beliefs on economics are epitomized by an early observation that “depressions are caused by government influence . . . the cure always offered . . . is to take more of the poison that caused the disaster.” Rand’s major novel Atlas Shrugged has been described as “eerily prophetic” as a projection of the total collapse of the U.S. economy, thanks to government intervention. My new neighbor, also “eerily” points out that the Obama collectivist agenda is totally antithetical to the common sense premises promoted by Rand, whose convictions involving philosophic objectivism have proven over time to be the path of truth and the only way that guarantees individual freedom.

Ayn Rand would probably agree that in today’s environment, the flaws in liberal economic orthodoxy are exposed mostly by their fundamental absurdity. For example: Congressman Wacky Waxman’s (obviously from California) latest scheme to reduce global warming will include a cap and trade proposal to reduce methane gas in the atmosphere caused by human flatulation. The government will establish heat seeking satellites above the earth that can identify anyone who has flatulated. They will transmit the individual’s name and address to the Flatulation Agency Response Team (FART), which will charge the perpetrator with a very fragrant misdemeanor. But the Cap and Trade allowance will permit the criminal to buy a credit from someone who doesn’t . . . you know . . . let one.

A second offense is a mandatory trip to Alaska for a sentence requiring a week in bed with a penguin, or a week at the funny farm in Washington, D.C. watching the idiots in Congress running around wondering why the earth isn’t getting any warmer.

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Tell me this won't happen to me – Part I

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried. The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard,” he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.”

“I can hear just fine!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94 year old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses ... “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.” Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”