A Change Of Pace

Call me for Topless, Spotless Pool Cleaning

By Steele Coddington | February 25, 2009

Want to make sure your house is clean – like spick and span? Invite the whole damn family to come visit. After buying all the food, new linens, booze, tickets to a juvenile alligator wrestling match, or something equally weird, trip to a state park, a movie and using the piggy bank for Starbucks, you can’t afford maid service. So, starting a week in advance, get ready for the “old lady” (what my boyhood friends called their mom – or you call your wife when you’re out of her hearing) . . . to introduce the home cleaning detail consisting of a team of one – you! “Here’s your list dear, get busy.”

“This is a long list. Why the hell do I have to clean the garage? It’s been that way for ten years.”

“OK, forget the garage, but then do the rest of this stuff twice. I don’t want the family to think we live like pigs.”

“We don’t live like pigs dear. Just because the bathroom I use looks kind of raunchy doesn’t mean it’s dirty. I can get all those spots off the mirror with a sponge or steel wool and clean out all the dirty underwear in the tub. But I may need a little more than a vacuum to get all the hair off the floor. Do we have a rake?”

I say all that stuff to make her laugh, but cleaning a house is serious business. So she resorts to the hands-on-hips stare and threatens to withhold my allowance if I don’t hop to chop, chop!

It always amazes me how many women are freaks about house cleaning and yet wear eye glasses that are dirtier than my living room windows (oops – something else I have to clean). Once a month my wife complains that she “can’t see very well today.” When I examine her eye glasses, I find more dust on them than the Oklahoma dust bowl, combined with little splashes of soup from dinner a week ago, plus greasy finger prints the FBI lab would be proud of. So without a word, I just clean them in the bucket I use for the windows which is full of Clorox, toilet bowl cleaner and Windex. At least they smell good after I clean them and it’s nice to see her eyes for a change. I forgot they were blue instead of dusty grey.

But cleaning is pretty much a share and share alike project when the family comes. I clean the joint up and make drinks and she cooks. She also likes to clean the pool for exercise. Skims the gunk off the top with a little net. She’s good at it. Because of the economy, it’s a skill I think we may need if we start a new business in which she already has experience and aptitude. Our income from the savings we put aside for retirement seems to be flying out the window to finance the free-loader recipients of the vote-buying first stimulus pork package. While the family is here in our clean house, with a clean pool, I’ll have a family discussion to see if they’d be embarrassed if their old lady becomes a famous pool maintenance person. Famous, because to compete in this competitive pool maintenance market, we plan to add a unique feature by having her do the job topless. That’s what I call stimulus without redistribution.


The Best Smart Answers

Smart Answer Number 5.
It was mealtime during an airline flight. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.

Smart Answer Number 4.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

Smart Answer Number 3.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they're dead.”

Smart Answer Number 2.
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.” When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Answer Number 1.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.”

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Well your eyesight's damn near perfect.”