A Change Of Pace

SPIT... Coming your way... Part III

By Steele Coddington | February 11, 2009

(Fast forward) January 1, 2010: As we reported in the last episode (Part I), the U.S. government introduced its new socialized health care program, Socialized Physicians’ Involuntary Treatment (SPIT) with fanfare worthy of a Super Bowl half-time show. “More of the same,” said political commentator and author Bernard Goldberg, who excoriated the leftist media last year in his book The Slobbering Love Affair, condemning their shameless transition from news objectivity to celebrity worship of Obama. They did it again, dutifully praising the new SPIT program as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Why? “Like bread it’s the dough stupid,” and an exclusive access to victims held in Guantanamo.

But to continue the last SPIT episode, a SPIT screener was punishing Mr. Mulligan, 85, from Cave Creek, for his questions deemed critical of the socialized medicine program.

Mr. Mulligan: “Isn’t punishing me for answering your questions discriminatory?”

SPIT Screener: “Okay, because your name is Mulligan we’re going to give you a second shot at this thing.”

Mr. Mulligan: “Oh goodie, goodie, because I really am depressed. My neighbor told the SPIT doctor he was depressed. He was given an immediate prescription and only had to stand in line for two and a half hours because he was a registered Democrat.”

SPIT Screener: “He wasn’t really sick. He suffered from listening to radio programs dictated by the Fairness Doctrine! Now why are you depressed, old geezer?”

Mr. Mulligan: “If you call me ‘old geezer’ again, I think this thermometer in my mouth will find its way up your nose.”

SPIT Screener: “Ah ha, another threat – one more and you’ll be forced to listen to an inspiring one hour speech by Representative Barney Frank. Now why are you depressed?”

Mr. Mulligan: “Well, my wife left me for a younger man, and we’d been married for over 60 years.”

SPIT Screener: “Did she give you a reason? Something wrong with your sex life?”

Mr. Mulligan: “What sex life? I’m 85. But we did watch daytime soaps on TV. She said her new boy friend was an ACORN worker and thought that might get her a higher place on the Patient List (PL).”

SPIT Screener: “Well, we’re all a little depressed these days, so just suck it up old . . . sir. And try to understand that patients are selected for priority on the P List using our criteria. Age unfortunately, is considered a Long Wait (LW) unless there are Blago factors. You are, however, entitled to supplemental treatment in Cuba. As a tourist, you qualify for their socialized health program. One of their doctors, imprisoned in Havana for practicing competently, recently smuggled to us an e-mail listing some of his observations.”

1 Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
2 Preventative care is “an apple a day.”
3 The primary care physician was wearing pants I gave to Good Will last year.
4 The only proctologist is Jose from Roto-Rooter.
5 Advil comes in different colors with a little M on them.
6 If you ask for Viagra, they give you a popsicle stick and duct tape.
7 The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

Mr. Mulligan: “Hmmm . . . Sounds like SPIT to me.”


Redistributing the wealth

One day on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read, "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.

Once in the restaurant my server had on an "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference – just imagine the coincidence.

When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need – the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.

I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.

At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient needed more money.

I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application!