A Change Of Pace

Carefree misses fabulous opportunity

By Steele Coddington | September 3, 2008

SteeleRegretfully, Carefree may have missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to acquire some unusually imaginative cultural gems for its downtown – at bargain prices!

Certainly the new gas street lights may well liven up the town center and attract more visitors, tourists and shoppers. But what is really missing is something unique, spectacular and flush with inspiration.

The objets d’art that could have enhanced the magic of downtown Carefree, drawn enormous crowds and inquisitive tourists seeking experiential realization were the five one million dollar high tech public toilets the City of Seattle recently offered for sale on e-bay.
Think of the fabulous publicity to say nothing of the functional practicality of installing five absolutely gorgeous, free standing, self-cleaning, million dollar toilets along Easy Street.

Imagine each beautiful toilet, spaced appropriately, leading the way to the Sun Dial with the fifth toilet plopped on the ground right under the highest point of the Dial.

Seattle, in 2004, in its infinite wisdom, bought the five unique classics of toiletry. They were marvels of automated sophistication, self-flushing and scientifically engineered to welcome strangers, tourists, visitors and the homeless to relieve themselves in Seattle’s friendly downtown area. Unfortunately, they turned out to be a pathetic waste of tax payers’ money as the toilets became million dollar hiding places for prostitutes and drug users. So Seattle recently sold the whole bunch on e-bay for a total of $12,500.

But Carefree doesn’t have the problems of Seattle, so these epitomizations of relief would have been a unique drawing card creating a new image for the town, living up to the name CAREFREE. And I say that as a certified multiculturally qualified expert in the field of toilets – something I’ve kept confidential for years to avoid mentioning it on my resume.

With experience like that I could be drafted to run for public office. Stuff like that could get me elected to replace Nancy Pelosi. As Plato prophesied, “It’s easy to go from one toilet to another.”

Actually, I’ve been a closet toilet architect for years, carrying the crusade against short, tiny, cheap. mundane, water-wasting, joyless toilets. Even my friends wince when I bring up the subject socially, because in today’s carefully disinfected intellectual vacuum, people only discuss their toilets with their plumbers, psychiatrists or global warming wackos. That’s a shame too, considering the average person spends over 7.3 years of their life on the porcelain throne.

My introduction to the field of toilets started as a kid when I worked on a dairy farm during summer vacation. Visits to the “bathroom” meant dashing to the outhouse in the back field.

I experienced both one-holers and two-holers and that helped me as a community organizer to create a vision for a better America when “change” was really imperative.

A new outhouse dynamic was needed so that you didn’t have to actually use the newspaper after you’d read it or freeze your buns off in the winter.

Yes, I’ve carried the toilet torch and today fully support indoor plumbing and high tech public commodes. I respectfully urge the town fathers of Carefree to eschew outhouses and go for new downtown toilets that will bring people to town for a real reason.


Teachers and Cops

These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City Public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but BOY are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These were taken off actual police car videos around the country (These are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!):

16. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.
15. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile.
14. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
13. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
12. Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.
11. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
10. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?
9. Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
8. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
7. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.
6. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
5. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.
4. How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?
3. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
2. I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.

1. You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't ... Sign here.