Arizona Legislature succeeds in “Out-Congressing” Congress

By Craig J. Cantoni | August 20, 2008

craig cantoniDear Reporters and Editors:
You’re in the word business, right? Words have meanings, right? You’re supposed to be a watchdog over government, right?

Don’t take this the wrong way, but if you worked for me, I’d fire your ass for incompetence. No probation, no severance, no farewell party. Just collect your things and leave the premises.

You can give my name as a reference to prospective employers, but be forewarned that I’ll tell them that you stink. Pee-u, do you ever.

You remind me of a “Far Side” cartoon by Gary Larson. A male dog is looking lovingly at a female dog. He says, “Pee-u, do you ever stink. What did you roll in?”

Well, I don’t have to ask what you rolled in. It’s obvious that you rolled in the government’s bizarre racial classification system. In other words, you rolled in doggie litter. Then, instead of doing the respectable thing and fumigating yourself, you passed the litter along to your customers.

I’m speaking of the stories across the land today about whites being a minority in the US by 2042, and Hispanics comprising a third of the population by 2050. Once again, your government master yanked on your choke-chain and made you drool nonsense. Geez, do you ever look stupid with your eyes bulging and tongue hanging out.

Apparently, you don’t know that the original meaning of “Hispanic” was someone from the Iberian Peninsula of Europe. Even Clouseau knew that Iberia is populated by whites, or to be more accurate, olive-skinned whites, similar to Italians. The government expanded the definition to include people from Latin America. Even Barney Fife knew that Latin Americans can be black, white, Native American, or of mixed race. He also knew that they can be of many nationalities and ethnic groups, ranging from Cubans to Puerto Ricans to Mexicans.
Those two great detective minds knew these things, but you don’t. What does that say about you?

You insist on putting all non-Hispanic whites in one category and all Hispanics in a separate category, even if they are white. Why do you do this to white Hispanics? Do you dislike them? If I were a white Hispanic, that would really piss me off.

I’m already pissed off as an Italian-American, because you insist on calling me an Anglo, although I have no Anglo blood in me, unless a Brit on vacation in Italy did something behind a haystack with my great-great grandma.

Why don’t Italians and other people from the Mediterranean get their own category? It could be called “Mediterraneanic.” Instead, you lump us together with Poles, Germans, Scots, Irish, Bosnians, Russians, Frogs, and scores of other pasty faces. My face might not be pretty, but at least it isn’t pasty.

Better yet, if you insist on categorizing people by race, why not use the old-fashioned labels of Caucasian, Negro, and Oriental? Oh, I forgot: That would be offensive. We can’t be offensive, can we? Well, I’ve got news for you mental giants. The government categories that you parrot are also offensive--at least to people with more intelligence than a parrot.
Speaking of offensive, you continue to use the word “minority” to describe Hispanics, although they far outnumber Italian-Americans and are now the largest ethnic group in the nation. Why are Hispanics considered a minority but not Italians?

Are these questions too tough for you? You do have a journalism degree, right? After all, we know how rigorous journalism school is. No, I’m not winking. I have something in my eye.
You’re probably thinking that only a doofus wouldn’t know that “minority” has less to do with being in a numerical minority and more to do with socioeconomic status. It means someone who does not come from privilege and is not part of the ruling establishment. But if that’s the meaning, then why aren’t Scots-Irish in Appalachia affixed with the label of “minority?”

I guess I should look on the bright side. By 2042, my progeny might be considered minorities and thus be eligible for government favoritism and racial spoils. Of course, that’s the real purpose behind the government’s weird classification system. Unfortunately, your successors won’t be around to write about it, because by then people will have become sick of your stench and turned to intelligent sources of news and information.

In the meantime, please take a bath. You stink.