A Change Of Pace

Spoof Space
Is there any good news?

By Steele Coddington | November 5, 2008

Yes! There are plenty of good tidings. Heck, we woke up this morning, didn’t we? That was good news for those of us who woke up. My wife, who offers running commentary on my vast intellect, said, “Maybe you should tell anyone who didn’t wake up this morning not to call you.” When she says something I’m not sure I understand (like that) I usually remain very silent for several minutes, assume a pose like the Oracle of Delphi and pretend I not only understand but agree with her. So . . . if you didn’t wake up this morning, please don’t call me.

A lot of the good thoughts or news may be just little things with significant implications. You know the old story of the optimistic kid who started digging furiously in the pile of manure saying, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.” Maybe it’s like celebrating the one or two good shots during a round of golf. Even Ben Hogan said if he hit just five good shots in a round, he was happy about it. So like a golfer, we need to recall all the good “shots.”

Well hell, golf is not a bowl of cherries. Neither is life. So it helps to isolate those good “shots” and count your blessings. I mean really. For example, last night I had this bad dream that I was wrestling an alligator in a pool of dirty jungle water. It was like a life or death struggle, though I don’t like to express it too graphically, because a lot of kids read this column. So I’ll just say it was between me as Tarzan, and the alligator, wrestling to see who would rule the jungle and swing with Jane on a vine to the jungle PX.

I had the ugly scaly beast in a choke hold, but suddenly realized that I could be sued by PETA or ACLU if I choked the slimy thing to death. Unfortunately, that caused me to relax my grip, allowing his claws to pull my arms loose and he flipped me against the head board, which woke me abruptly and painfully. I checked myself for claw marks and was relieved to find no wounds – which was remarkable because it’s not very often you don’t have some blood on you after wrestling with an alligator. So that was the first good news. The second good news was that the water in the jungle pool tasted a lot better than water in Scottsdale or Carefree.

The third good news was how entertaining a night it was for my wife. She thought the whole thing was hilarious. Not only that, she always giggles when she sees me naked which diminishes the hell out of my self-esteem and compels me to retaliate with some clever repartee such as, “If there was a voter initiative on the ballot defining marriage between one man and one alligator, would you vote for it?” After a long moment of silence during which she also looked like the Oracle of Delphi, she said, “Would you mind telling me what that’s got to do with anything?”

“Absolutely nothing,” I said, trying to look like the Dalai Lama for one-up-manship. But my grandfather told me if you can’t out-wit ‘em, try to confuse ‘em. Well, it was good news that I escaped an alligator last night, but tonight I’m going to sleep with the light on and wear pajamas.


Free corn

I can tell you first hand that is exactly how it happens and if you don’t believe it, live in Europe for a while and you will see. I know: I was born there and I lived that system! We need to wake up here before it’s too late.

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day while the class was in the lab the Prof noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt.

The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?'

The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come every day to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence.

They get used to that and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd.

Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity.

The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America. The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc. while we continually lose our freedoms - just a little at a time.

One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! And a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

If you see that all of this wonderful government 'help' is a problem confronting the future of democracy in America, you might want to tell your friends. If you think the free ride is essential to your way of life, may God help you when the gate slams shut!

In this 'very important' election year, listen closely to what the candidates are promising you. Just maybe you will be able to tell who is about to slam the gate on America.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take away everything you have."
- Thomas Jefferson