Baker’s dozen of massive television failures

In my retirement, I have more time to sit and watch the telly (aka the “idiot box”). I have noticed some incredible boo-boos in the pabulum that advertisers or programmers force down our throats. Some examples:

  1. New sporty automobiles, racing along a lonely road. Instrument panel and view through the windshield. Driver’s hand reaches down to the gear selector and slams shift lever forward. Into what: REVERSE or PARK? Transmission ailure!
  2. Chevy has a group of “people off the street, not actors.” A fat blonde in a black dress states that “dependability” is Chevy’s best feature. In the next two scenes of the same commercial, she is wearing a black pants outfit. Continuity failure!
  3. A man in a restaurant walks out of the restroom, adjusting his belt in an “opiate-induced constipation” commercial. The toilet is still flushing as he walks out, so the logical conclusion is that he did not wash his hands. Public health commercial failure #1!
  4. Subway, McDonald’s and other commercials show gloveless, bare hands preparing food. Public health commercial failure #2!
  5. Key West Chamber of Commerce commercial shows a rugged fisherman bent over the fantail of a deep-sea fishing boat, fighting a fish…using an upside-down (reel up) surf spinning rod. I recognize that Key West FL and New Hope, PA are FanSanFreako’s easternmost gay outposts, but shouldn’t someone in Key West be aware of the difference in fishing tackle? Outdoor sport failure!
  6. Various networks have “shoot-‘em-up” series that obviously need technical advice concerning battle and weaponry. “The Unit” and “N.C.I.S. Los Angeles” showed the good guys sneaking up on the bad guys, charging their weapons outside the building they plan to surreptitiously enter. Smart! Both “The Unit” and “N.C.I.S.” showed military personnel engaged in target practice on DoD ranges, but not wring eye and hearing protection (any trained gun owner, veteran or LEO respects safety rules, which are compulsory, especially in DoD ranges). “The Unit” showed helicopter pilots wearing single-tube NVGs, not ANVIS (Aviators’ Night-Vision Imaging System). Good way to die! “The Unit” (again) showed a steel-barred cattle trailer with some captured mujahedin performing their evening prayers, facing a setting sun! “N.C.I.S.” of all series, has naval personnel addressing a commander (O-5) who commands a warship as “commander.” Wrong-o! The CO of a Navy vessel, from ensign (O-1) through captain (O-6) is addressed as “captain” while on-board. The same series has shown Navy and Marine personnel saluting uncovered. Technical military adviser failure!
  7. The Weight Loss Institute of Arizona has a commercial with a now-shapely blonde bragging about her weight loss. The commercial ends with WLIA’s two scrubs-clad surgeons smiling into the camera, and – you got it – both are rotundabundant. Bariatric failure!
  8. A first-time visitor from Argentina asked me, “Where are all the black people?” It seems that US TV commercials are shown all over the world via cable or satellite, including Argentina. Over 70% of US TV advertising features African-American lead actors, despite their 13% representation in the USA population. No wonder foreign visitors are confused! Is this a manifestation of political correctness, collective guilt, hypocrisy, or atonement for slavery under the KKK and Democrats during the early days of the USA? Social engineering failure!
  9. I respect physicians and dentists…but why do so many refer to “a (sic) bacteria?” Grammatical failure!
  10. Crest and Colgate have run commercials showing actors vigorously brushing with horizontal strokes. All of my dentists and hygienists always remind me to gently brush with an up-and-down motion. Oral health failure!
  11. The “Manly Man Trophy” candidates: “Pat” the Toyota spokesman? The wimpy separated at birth scruffy-bearded Millennials flogging Verizon and Cox? The swishy teenager walking into his parents’ bedroom to report a “tiny fender-bender” in the Allstate commercial? Testosterone failure!
  12. A current Jeep commercial shows two men d driving up a mountain, where they encounter a brown bear (Ursus arctos) that stands up and roars, showing his fangs. The two men drive down the mountain, while a black bear (Ursus americanus) slinks away. Zoology failure
  13. Vast wasteland: Is the American viewer so dense and vegetative that he/she must be fed a constant diet of the irrelevant lives and loves of Kardashians and Meghan Markle? Intellectual failure!

J-P. A. Maldonado