One Liners

God Bless America

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

I eat my tacos over a tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

Now what’s on the menu? Me-n-u

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.