Well, he didn’t exactly ask me and, well, it wasn’t exactly Bill Kristol in person.
Actually, it was just his voice in the form of a robocall, a computer-controlled autodialer to deliver a pre-recorded message.
“Hi, this is Bill Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard. As you know, I have been looking for a candidate to challenge Donald Trump for the Republican nomination for President. Congratulations, you are interviewee number…”
Just then a computerized woman’s voice broke into Kristol’s recorded message announcing me as number 2,658,341 on Kristol’s list of potential candidates.
I don’t know David French’s number.
Kristol’s recorded message continued:
“In order to continue the selection process, I will ask you to answer a series of questions.”
Again the computerized woman’s voice broke in.
“If you are often dissatisfied with the outcome of elections, please press 1.”
“If you own any free-roaming chickens at least one of which knows FORTRAN, please press 2.”
“If your blood cholesterol level is higher than your SAT scores, please press 3.”
The computerized woman’s voice continued.
“If you were surprised to learn during this election cycle that the word ‘conservative’ meant, to many pundits and politicians, conserving the corrupt status quo, please press 1.”
“If, in high school, you were voted ‘Most Likely to be Found Dead in a Motel Room,’ please press 2.”
“If your ancestors came to the United States from Jersey City, please press 3.”
Again the computerized woman’s voice.
If you think conducting elections are okay, but genuine representative government is messy and would like Bill Kristol to choose an establishment candidate for you, please press 1.”
“If you don’t know what ‘apathetic’ means and couldn’t care less, please press 2.”
“If you posted your colonoscopy photos on Facebook, please press 3.”
Then Kristol’s voice returned:
“Thank you for your patience. Your call is important to me. I select Presidential candidates in the order in which they are called. So, please do not hang up and remain on the line until election day, while I contact other potential Presidential candidates.”
But, seriously folks, it makes one wonder who might Bill Kristol have in mind for Vice President and how he will go about identifying that lucky person.
Perhaps he should consider a reality TV show like the “Bachelorette.”
I would definitely consider participating, but, unfortunately I’m still on the phone.
Lawrence Sellin, Ph.D. is a retired colonel with 29 years of service in the US Army Reserve and a veteran of Afghanistan and Iraq. Colonel Sellin is the author of “Restoring the Republic: Arguments for a Second American Revolution “. He receives email at firstname.lastname@example.org.